I Dream Of Jacques
by Sovrani
Summary: - JxOC, HxA- Holly and Artemis are getting married in a fortnight, and Juliet Butler is feeling a little more than hassled. But when she sets free a genie that had taken up residence in an antique teapot, wedding plans get slightly out of hand. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **The Artemis Fowl characters aren't mine, but Jacques is.

**A/N: **I'm sorry I haven't written in a while! It's been kinda hectic with school and stuff… Anyway, this idea popped into my head during a French class, so I got right on it, and I really like the way this chapter turned out.

By the way, today (May 19th) is my birthday! I'm fourteen! If you do review, please wish me a happy birthday!

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**I dream of Jacques: Chapter One**

Juliet Butler was dusting. She did this fairly often, as large houses such as Fowl Manor got very dusty extremely quickly, but she didn't find the job exceptionally entertaining. To put it mildly. Cleaning Fowl Manor was about as interesting as watching cabbage rot.

Juliet's weekly chores consisted of; vacuuming the twenty four rooms with carpets, cleaning the five toilets, hand washing every one of the expensive Armani suits and Dior dresses, putting new bedding on the four bedrooms and two guestrooms, mopping the marble floor of the entrance hall, polishing the banisters on the three staircases, and dusting every single vase or piece of fine china that she could find.

But hey, Butler had to weed the garden.

Out of all her chores, Juliet despised dusting the most. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she was certain it had something to do with the fact that Angeline Fowl got a new teacup or vase every day of the week. There was always something new to look at, but Juliet felt like she was in a museum full of ugly old knick-knacks. She hated that.

On this Thursday afternoon, Juliet was almost finished when Angeline Fowl walked up to her, holding a teapot decorated with small, pink flowers.

'Look what Holly gave me!' the woman exclaimed. 'She says it's an antique.'

Juliet, who had always known that antique was just a fancy word for old, tried to look enthusiastic.

'It's very nice, Mrs Fowl,' she said nodding her head.

'I like it so much, I think I might have it on that shelf over there,' Angeline said, pointing.

Juliet groaned inwardly. The shelf was already stuffed with "antique" objects owned by Mrs Fowl. And all of them had been given to her by Holly, Artemis' fiancée.

'I'll do my best, Mrs Fowl,' she said solemnly, and took the teapot from her.

She studied it as Angeline left the room. The teapot _was_ pretty, but it definitely wasn't an antique. You could make anything look like an antique; you just needed to get it a little dusty. Holly probably had found the teapot in the back of her cupboard and wanted to get rid of it.

With a sigh, Juliet took up her feather duster and brushed it against the teapot.

It sneezed.

Juliet stared at it for a moment, and then did it again.

It sneezed again.

Trying to keep calm, Juliet took up a cloth and rubbed the teapot, waiting to see what it would do next.

Nothing happened for a heartbeat, maybe two, but then the teapot started to glow.

Juliet had taken on big, hairy men in fist fights. She had looked down the barrel of a gun more than once. She went skydiving for the first time at the age of eleven.

Nevertheless, she dropped the teapot on the floor and scrambled to hide behind an armchair.

After several minutes, Juliet was game enough to peek over the chair. The teapot lay in minute fragments on the floor. She sighed. _It's all this work,_ she thought, _it's getting to my brain._

Juliet sat back down again, leaning against the armchair with her eyes closed. When she opened them again, she was staring straight at a man of about her age, sitting on the floor in front of her. He had purple eyes, and instead of legs, a silvery mist-like tail wavered under his torso.

Juliet said nothing, she just stared at him with her mouth open. Then the man broke the silence.

'Why are we hiding?' he asked.

That was it for Juliet. She let out a shriek, leapt up and hurried to the other side of a room. She found an antique sword and pulled it from its sheaf, holding it before her, the blade quivering with her shaking hand.

'You come any closer, this goes straight into your head,' Juliet said, then reconsidered. 'Or into your gonads.' That was when she realised that the strange man didn't have any.

The man with the purple eyes winced in anticipation. 'I'm backing away,' he said, moving slowly towards the wall. Juliet noticed that he had an American accent. Funny what people notice when they're panicky.

'Who the hell are you?' she asked, still holding the sword.

'I'm Jacques,' said the purple-eyed guy. 'And you are?'

'Juliet,' Juliet replied. 'How did you get here?'

'You summoned me,' Jacques said, leaning against the wall.

'I didn't summon anyone,' Juliet said. 'I'm not expecting that necklace for five days, so unless you're selling a twenty-four carat gold necklace with seventeen diamonds, I'd appreciate it if you would leave.'

Jacques smiled. 'I can't leave until you've used up all of your wishes. I'm a Genie.'

Juliet stood there for a moment, saying nothing. Then finally she found her voice, 'I don't believe in Genies.'

'Yet here I am,' Jacques said, studying a framed picture on the mantelpiece. 'You didn't believe in fairies either, but your employer is marrying one in two weeks.'

'True,' Juliet amended. 'But that doesn't answer my question. How did you get here?'

Jacques sighed, as though he had answered this many times. 'Well, here's the thing. You rub the lamp, and we get woken up. Irritating, but it's our job.'

'I didn't rub a lamp,'

At this, Jacques noticed the remains of the patterned teapot. In a moment he was kneeling over it, examining the pieces.

'You broke my house!' he held the fragments in his hands, attempting to piece them back together.

'You live in a teapot?' Juliet asked, astounded. 'A teapot with pink flowers on it?'

'It was a graduation gift from my mother,' Jacques said sadly. 'She got it for me when I left college. And the good silverware was in there!'

Juliet was hit with a wave of guilt. 'Gee, I'm sorry. It started glowing, so I freaked out and dropped it. I can replace it, but then could you please leave? We need to start preparing for the wedding.'

Jacques shook his head. 'I'm bound by law to grant you three wishes, and then I can leave.'

This sparked an interest in Juliet. Three wishes? On whatever she wanted?

She was thinking about a gun that never needed to be reloaded, a Lamborghini and a map to the home of her favourite wrestler, Mucho Grande Problemo, when she suddenly remembered.

'Do you need one of those wishes to be set free or something?' she asked.

Jacques snorted. 'No. Where did you get an idea like that?'

Juliet shrugged. 'This Disney movie I saw.'

'Ah, Aladdin,' Jacques nodded knowingly. 'That movie is rather misleading. I'm not blue, am I?'

'No, but you do have that squiggly tail where your legs are meant to be,' Juliet pointed out.

Jacques looked down and spotted the silver mist underneath his torso. He swished it around experimentally. 'This colour really isn't me,' he said.

Juliet nodded her agreement. 'I think purple would work. It would match your eyes.'

Jacques looked up to meet her gaze. 'You think so?'

Juliet nodded again, enthusiastic this time. 'I do. But you'd need a purple suit to go with it. I can get you one if you want, but I need to measure you for size.'

Jacques grinned. 'You've known me for five minutes and already you're offering to buy me stuff.'

Juliet shrugged. 'It's a fashion crisis. I warm up to anyone who needs some help.'

Jacques snapped his fingers, and a book appeared out of nowhere. Juliet raised her eyebrows at the title, "The Rules."

'So, this is your magic?' she asked.

'So it appears.' Jacques opened the book. 'OK, I want you to get this straight the first time. Rule number one, I can't make anyone fall in love. That's Cupid's job.'

Juliet's eyebrows cranked up another inch or so. 'Cupid?'

'Yes, Cupid. He should be retiring any day now. He's currently looking for a successor.'

Juliet's eyebrows almost disappeared of the front of her face. Nothing more could surprise her today.

'Moving on,' Jacques said, turning the page. 'Rule number two, I can't kill anyone. That's frowned upon among humans and Genies alike.' He turned another page. 'Rule number three, I can't bring anyone back from the dead either. It's messy and it takes a lot of paperwork.'

Juliet dropped her eyebrows again. Keeping them up for so long was making her face hurt.

'And no wishing for more wishes either. It's not that we can't do it, we just need to make sure everyone has a fair go.' Jacques closed the book.

'So, you have four rules, and you need a whole book to explain them,' Juliet stated.

Jacques opened the book again. 'That's not true. Those are the four main rules. We have enough rules to outstrip the numbers that make pi, but we keep them simple.' He grinned at her. 'They have some blank pages too. That's where I have my photo album.'

Juliet took the book from him. On the first page there was a picture of an old woman, with a walking stick and glasses.

'Her name was Gwendolyn Myer. She wished for a working television, a cure for her arthritis and some sugar for her tea,' Jacques said, pointing.

Juliet turned the page to see a picture of a young boy, dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. The picture was obviously taken with a disposable camera.

'That's James,' Jacques said. 'I never knew his last name, he was my master for about three hours. He wanted a bar of chocolate, a glass of milk and some batteries for his GameBoy.'

On the next page was a picture of a man. Juliet guessed his age to be around forty. He looked tired and overworked, and wasn't even smiling.

'That's Rupert Smithy. He asked me to get him enough money to retire on, a boat, and he wanted to make sure his wife never got pregnant again.'

'That's not very nice,' Juliet said. 'How many kids did he have?'

'Four,' Jacques said simply. 'That was probably the most life-changing wish I've ever granted. Nobody takes these wishes seriously.'

Juliet turned the page, but the next one was blank. 'How old are you?' she asked him.

Jacques shifted uncomfortably. 'Twenty seven.'

'How long have you been on the job?'

'It'll be eight years in a fortnight.'

Juliet shook her head in amazement. 'You've been working for eight years and have only had three clients.'

'Nobody wants teapots anymore,' Jacques said miserably. 'They all use kettles now. I've been stationed in an antique store for about three years now. I thought my house was heading into a museum.'

_So that rules out the "back-of-Holly's-cupboard" possibility, _thought Juliet, feeling some pity for the Genie.

'Well, I feel guilty about ruining your house; I'll help you find a new one.' Juliet picked up a vase and held it out to him.

Jacques wrinkled his nose. 'I can't stay in there. The ceiling is high, but there's hardly any room.'

Juliet looked at the vase. Jacques was right. It was far too small. 'Well, just for a moment. I'll get you in the kitchen and find you something more roomy.'

Jacques nodded, and disappeared with a small _pop_.

'OK,' echoed a small voice from inside the vase. 'You can go now. Just don't wiggle the vase around too much.'

'I'll be careful,' Juliet promised, and left the room.

* * *

They finally reached the kitchen and Juliet set the vase down on the bench.

'You can come out now,' she prompted, shutting the door.

Jacques reappeared, and straightened up. He sneezed.

'Bless you,' Juliet said automatically.

'Thanks,' Jacques wiped at his nose. 'Allergies. Don't you ever dust the inside of that thing?'

'Nobody ever sees that vase anyway,' Juliet insisted. 'So I don't bother.'

Jacques sneezed again. 'Well, it's going to drive me crazy, so unless you donate one of your wishes to curing my dust allergy, I suggest you find me a nice new place to live.'

Juliet crossed the room to a cupboard. After a while she pulled out a teapot.

'Try this,' she said, and Jacques vanished.

A tiny voice came from the inside of the teapot. 'It's smaller than my old one.'

'I know,' Juliet replied. 'But is it OK?'

'A bit cramped,' Jacques squeaked from inside. 'I can't stand up properly.'

He reappeared beside her. 'Anything else?'

Juliet pulled a jug out from under the sink. It was clear plastic and had a closed top. Jacques popped out of the visible spectrum and Juliet noticed a tiny figure inside the jug.

'It's see through,' the Genie said.

'So? I thought you might like some windows. You know, for light.'

'I don't want people to see me getting dressed. And haven't you ever heard of electric lighting?'

Juliet shrugged. 'Something else then.'

Jacques regained his large size and Juliet hunted around the cupboards. After a moment she straightened up, holding a silver kettle.

'This?'

Jacques vanished again, and his voice echoed from the inside of the kettle. 'I like it. The metal makes it feel futuristic. A nice change after living in an antique.'

'So you'll stay here for a while?' Juliet asked the kettle.

'Won't anyone use the kettle?'

Juliet shook her head. 'I don't think so. Everyone drinks coffee nowadays, and they use the electric coffee maker.'

'OK, then. I'll stay until your wishes are up. Then I'll move back in with my mum until I get my next paycheque and can get my own place,' Jacques said. Juliet could hear him walking around inside. 'I can see up your nose,' said the genie.

Juliet covered her nose. 'Do you need any food?'

'I'll stop off at mum's later and pick up the leftover casserole. Thanks Juliet, I really appreciate this.'

'You're welcome, it's the least I can do after breaking your house,' Juliet replied.

'It needed remodelling anyway. At least I have insurance,' Jacques said. 'And by the way, I have to call you mistress from now on.'

'That's OK. I guess I'll have to leave you here. It'll look pretty weird if I keep the kettle in my room,' Juliet put the kettle back in the cupboard. 'Night, Jacques.'

'Night, Mistress.'

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**A/N: **I have another chapter planned, but I won't bother writing it if no-one likes the start. Should I keep going? Reviews would be greatly appreciated. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Juliet, Artemis, Holly or any of the characters you recognise belong to Eoin Colfer. However, Jacques is my own creation, and is in fact mine. I finally own something!

**A/N: **In case you haven't noticed, I'm updating a few of my stories. And I found the original I wrote, and did another chapter. There is some romance introduced here, and Artemis and Holly make a brief appearance. They'll be in the next chapter too, and then it'll start to get interesting.

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**I dream of Jacques: Chapter Two**

When Juliet opened her eyes the next morning, she didn't even try to get out of bed. She simply stared at the ceiling, thinking hard about yesterday afternoon.

_It was a dream, _she thought, _I dreamt that I met a genie called Jacques and I gave him a new home in a kettle. It wasn't real. It was a dream._

It was, of course, a relief. Genies can be a nuisance, and with only two weeks left until the wedding, Juliet had no time for wish-making.

A sound alerted Juliet's sensitive hearing. It was nothing unusual, simply a ratting from the kitchen. _Nothing to worry about,_ she assured herself, _just someone getting the kettle down from the cupboard to make a cup of tea._

The rattling ceased, and Juliet relaxed. A small part of her mind that was fully awake said, _Juliet, what if it wasn't a dream?_

Juliet leapt out of bed in her pyjamas and sprinted downstairs, taking them two at a time. She arrived in the kitchen in time to see Holly holding the kettle underneath the tap.

'Holly, no!'

Juliet lunged forward and snatched the kettle out of Holly's grasp.

She held the kettle protectively to her chest for several seconds, catching her breath. 'What on Earth were you doing?' she demanded as soon as she found her voice.

Holly looked taken aback. 'I was getting myself a cup of tea. Is there something wrong with that?'

Juliet opened her mouth and closed it again. She had just realised just how ridiculous she must have looked. She opened her mouth to speak. 'No. Nothing. It was just… err, it was early, and then, and you… and I-'

'It's eight thirty, Juliet. I don't call that early.'

Juliet nodded. 'Yes. I mean, no. I mean…' she shook her head. 'Let me get the tea for you.'

Holly raised an eyebrow. 'If you insist…'

'Oh, but I do. Go back to bed; I'll bring it in a minute.'

Holly turned and left the kitchen.

The moment Juliet could no longer hear the sound of fading footsteps, she whispered into the spout of the kettle. 'Jacques?'

'Mm hmm?' echoed the reply.

Juliet sighed with relief. So it hadn't been a dream. 'Are you awake?'

'I am now. What's all the noise about? I usually sleep late on a Friday.'

'Well, Holly wants a cup of tea.'

'And?'

'And I'm going to make it for her.'

Silence.

Juliet sighed in exasperation. 'I need the kettle.'

'You said nobody would want tea!' the genie said indignantly.

Juliet shrugged. 'I guess I was wrong.'

'Brilliant. What now?'

'You hop out for a minute, I'll make the tea, clean the kettle, then you can go to sleep again.'

'I'll be out in a second.'

With a _pop, _Jacques appeared. He was only wearing a pair of purple boxers, his hair was tousled, and he badly needed to shave.

Juliet raised her eyebrows at him. 'You have legs.'

'So I do. I forgot. You tend to forget you have legs after living in a teapot for three years.'

'I expect you would,' Juliet replied absentmindedly, trying not to look at the boxers. It had just struck her that when Jacques had legs, he was VERY attractive.

Jacques watched her as she prepared Holly's tea. 'Hey, what about that suit?'

'Suit?'

'You know, the purple one you said you'd buy me,' Jacques clicked his fingers, and his legs disappeared again, to be replaced by the silvery tail, and his torso was suddenly dressed in the top half of a black suit. The genie straightened his tie.

'Sure, I'll get you all measured later and I'll go get you one,' Juliet put two teaspoons of sugar in the tea and started to stir. 'Why do you want a suit, anyway?'

Jacques was looking in the fridge, no doubt for breakfast. '_You_ offered to buy me one, and I need something to wear for the wedding.'

Juliet dropped the saucer she was holding. It fell to the floor and broke into three pieces.

Jacques winced. 'I wish you'd stop doing that. Something might have lived in there.'

Juliet ignored him, and bent to pick up the pieces. 'You're staying for the wedding?'

'I thought I might as well. I won't be getting the insurance for my house for a couple of weeks, and I can't move out until then,' Jacques watched Juliet dump the broken saucer into the bin. 'Is that OK with you?'

'Well, it's OK with me. But you're a genie! They're going to ask about you, and it'll be really awkward for me, because I'm your mistress, and… and…' Juliet put her face in hands.

Jacques swooped down and put an arm around her. 'Are you alright?'

Juliet nodded, 'It's all the stress from this wedding. We've been planning for ages, and it's taking its toll on me. I have so much to do, and everybody's making me do it.'

Jacques nodded sympathetically. 'I know how you feel. I had a lot to do when my sister got married.'

Juliet sat up. 'You have a sister?'

'I'm a genie, but I'm not an only child. Magical creatures can have siblings too, you know.'

Juliet stood up, and picked up a tray with Holly's tea on it. 'What were you before you became a genie?'

Jacques shrugged. 'An unemployed genie, I guess. I got recruited into an agency when I was seventeen, and I went through training there.'

'Tell me about your family,' Juliet prompted.

'I have a dad, mum and younger sister. Mum and dad are retired, dad stays home and watches TV, and mum works as a receptionist at Cupid's office.'

'How old is your sister?'

'Twenty two. Her name's Asia.'

'How come she doesn't have a French name?' Juliet asked, rounding a corner. Jacques was cautiously following her.

'I was born in France, she was born in Malaysia. When my dad used to work with the agency, he was the best of them, so we had to move around a lot to suit his job. We lived in a wine rack when I was born.'

Juliet walked into the sitting room, where Artemis and Holly were discussing wedding decorations. Jacques slipped quietly into a vase of tulips before he was noticed.

'Juliet,' Holly said, beckoning her to sit down. 'I was thinking of wearing salmon, and the bridesmaids would dress in apricot or peach. What do you think about that?'

'I thought you said you wanted to get married in green?' Juliet said, placing the tray on the coffee table.

'Originally, yes, but then I'd feel like I was still working at the LEP, and I'd end up shooting someone,' Holly flipped through the book in front of her frantically. 'And I don't know what type of cake we should get either…'

Artemis rubbed his eyes. 'Holly, you're worrying about this far too much. It doesn't matter what the dress colours are, and the cake doesn't have to be colour co-ordinated either.' He turned to Juliet. 'You don't mind what colour you have to wear, do you?'

Juliet shook her head. 'I don't mind at all. It's Holly's special day, I'd wear an eggplant suit if you wanted me to.'

A snort of laughter echoed from the tulip vase. Juliet coughed loudly to mask the sound.

'So anyway,' she said loudly, 'tell me when you make your decision, I'll help pick out the dresses.'

Juliet grabbed a dirty coffee mug from the table and left the room.

Jacques popped out of his vase as she walked past, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

Juliet glared at him. 'You could be a little less inconspicuous, you know? Why did you start laughing?'

Jacques chuckled. 'I got a mental image of you dressed as an eggplant. It was very entertaining.'

'Do you have mental images of me dressed in any other way?' Juliet asked hotly.

Jacques arched an eyebrow at her. 'You're asking me whether I've imagined you naked, aren't you?'

Juliet made a strangled sound of protest, and Jacques smiled.

* * *

Juliet flopped down on her bed later that night and shut her eyes. She was fully dressed, but she was far too exhausted to care. Her hair was oily and messy, and her hands and knees were sore from scrubbing the floor of the kitchen.

Juliet gingerly touched her hair. It was looped up into a loose bun, and was filthy and knotted and combined with who-knows-what. With a groan, Juliet dragged herself out of bed and into her bathroom, ran herself a bath and undressed.

She was standing there in her underwear and t-shirt and was about to pull the shirt off when she heard a cough from behind her.

Jacques was standing just next to the toilet.

Juliet stared at him for a few seconds before realisation kicked in. She sucked in a breath to stop herself from screaming and grabbed a towel.

'What are you doing in here?' she asked through clenched teeth, cheeks burning.

'I just finished using the toilet. I may be a genie, but I don't let my waste drop anywhere, like an animal,' Jacques said grumpily.

'Animals go in the corner,' Juliet replied, just as grumpily.

'Whatever.'

After standing in silence for a couple of seconds, Jacques broke it.

'So I'll just… um… wait outside…'

'Yeah, good idea.'

Jacques quickly retreated from the room and Juliet heard a muttered swearword from the other side of the door. After making sure the door was locked, she removed the remainder of her clothes and sunk into the bath.

It wasn't until Juliet had washed her hair did she realise what had just happed.

'Crap,' she hissed, slapping herself in the forehead, 'crap, crap, crap.'

After a while she had calmed down sufficiently to finish her bath and pull the plug. Juliet dumped her dirty clothes down the laundry chute and wrapped a towel around herself.

She left the bathroom to find Jacques sitting on her bed. If she hadn't been prepared to find him there she might have dropped her towel.

'Why aren't you back in the kitchen?' she asked, feeling the water from her hair drip steadily down her back and onto the carpet.

'I wanted to stay in here tonight. I don't want Holly getting cravings in the middle of the night and drowning me,' Jacques replied. He was sitting on her bed, wearing his boxers and a singlet. 'Is that OK?'

'Yeah, fine. You don't snore, do you?' Juliet asked.

'Never have.'

'Good, don't let me prove you otherwise.'

Jacques rose from where he sat and walked over to her. Juliet looked up at him, and before she knew what was happening, he reached out and stroked her wet shoulder with one slender finger. Juliet automatically bit her lip. Jacques ran his hand down the length of her arm, and the blonde girl felt all the hair on her arms stand on end, and she suddenly felt very cold, despite her warm bath.

The genie dropped his hand. 'Couldn't help myself,' he said, shrugging. 'You have really nice skin; I wanted to know what it felt like.'

Juliet tried to speak, but nothing came out.

'I'll go get the kettle,' Jacques said, turning away from her. 'Goodnight.'

'G'night,' Juliet replied, watching him go.

Juliet dressed quickly and then flopped down on her bed, her hair still wet. She stared up at the ceiling, squinting at the light above her. She ran a hand down her own arm, and then covered her eyes and resisted the urge to swear loudly.

'Crap,' she said. 'I'm in love with a genie.'

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**A/N:** And? Should I post the next chapter?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing and no-one except Jacques and possibly the kettle that he's renting. However, I cannot be sure of this, as it may be licensed to a kettle manufacturing plant somewhere in Ireland.**

**A/N: You may or may not have noticed, but I went through a bit of a cleanup of my stories list, and I deleted the ones that I didn't like or got old, and I kept this one, which shows that I'm really serious about this. It takes me a while to update, because I lose heart halfway, but I really really really hope that this will be my first full-length fanfic.**

**Read and review. Or you can just review now and tell me you loved it :)**

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**I dream of Jacques: Chapter Three**

Juliet was awoken by the sound of snoring at six o'clock the next morning. She cracked open one eye, and pursued the wretched noise. She immediately spotted the kettle on the other side of the room, which vibrated slightly every time the Jacques breathed in and out.

Juliet gave a groan and pulled one of her many pillows over her head to cover her ears. The sound, however, penetrated the feathers and pillowcase, and made route straight to her brain. Because the genies' snores were reverberating from the inside of a small metal capsule, the noise was almost deafening.

After several more minutes of the piercing snores, Juliet rolled out of bed and blearily wandered over to the kettle.

She knocked on it.

The snoring stopped abruptly, and a long yawn resonated from inside.

'Jacques?' Juliet asked groggily.

'Mistress? What's wrong?'

'You're snoring.'

'I am?'

'You are. I normally sleep late on a Saturday.' Juliet rubbed her eyes.

Jacques suddenly appeared beside her, fully dressed already. 'I should get up anyway. So should you.' He took in her appearance, worn out tracksuit pants, a white singlet, tired red eyes, no doubt, and her hair… Juliet shuddered inwardly. She didn't even want to think about her hair.

'I haven't put on my makeup yet, and I haven't done my hair. This isn't my best look,' Juliet said in explanation.

Jacques smiled. 'I wasn't going to say anything about that. I was about to comment on how natural you look.'

Juliet tried to arch an eyebrow, but she was too tired. 'Natural? More like Queen of the Apes.'

'Your personality shines. True beauty resides in the heart,' Jacques replied, with a grin.

Juliet managed to crank up an eyebrow at that one. 'Are you calling me beautiful?'

'No, nobody says that anymore. What do I look like, Prince Charming?' Jacques snorted. 'I'm going to pick up some food from the kitchen. Do you want anything?'

'I wish I could have a-' Juliet began, then stopped herself. She had been about to say "doughnut" but she didn't want to waste a wish on that.

Jacques smiled and patted her on the head. 'Smart move,' he said, then he left the room.

Juliet was sitting on her bed, staring out into space, when Jacques returned. He was holding a tray bearing croissants, small bowls of jam, a jug of orange juice and two glasses, and serviettes.

Juliet's eyebrows shot up again. 'We didn't have any of this in the kitchen,' she stated, but she cleared a table to make space anyway.

Jacques set the tray down. 'I used my magic to make it. I thought you deserved a break. What do you eat for breakfast anyway?'

Juliet took a croissant and started to cut it in half, frowning in thought. 'Well… I might have bowl of cereal once or twice a week…'

Jacques rolled his eyes. 'Let me guess… you only need coffee?'

Juliet spread jam on the inside of her croissant. 'I need caffeine to function! Especially recently, I drink at least twelve cups a day.'

'Just eat a better breakfast, lunch and dinner, and your energy levels should remain stable throughout the day.'

'I know _that,' _snapped Juliet. 'But I can't find the time; I have other things to do.'

Jacques was patiently cutting his croissant into smaller pieces. 'Like what?'

Juliet chewed her croissant thoughtfully. 'Like… other things.' She swallowed. 'And these are _really_ good,' she added, holding up the half-finished pastry.

Jacques smiled. 'How about you make one of your wishes for a ready-made breakfast, as soon as you get up?'

Juliet's eyes widened. 'You can do that?'

'Not unless you get me to stay for the rest of your life. Only I can make croissants as good as this.'

'I'm sure,' said Juliet, taking another croissant.

'By the way, you've been abusing your croissant,' Jacques took a bite of his own.

Juliet stopped with her knife halfway to the jam pot. 'How?'

'In France, croissants are considered to be sweet enough without jam or any other kind of spread. In French culture, you'd probably just cut yours in half or dip it in your coffee. If a French person saw you eating a croissant the way you do, they'd shoot a couple of greasy looks in your direction.'

Juliet gingerly replaced the knife, 'Then why did you bring out the jam?'

Jacques grinned, showing very straight, white teeth, 'I like lecturing you.'

Juliet then suddenly noticed something. 'Oh god,' she said, 'you've got dimples.'

The genie's grin widened. 'Some women would say they're cute.'

'They're not cute,' said Juliet promptly. 'They're adorable.'

Jacques poured her some orange juice. 'Are you saying you're attracted to me?' he asked, fluttering his eyelashes.

'No,' said Juliet, even more promptly. 'You're a genie.'

'I'm a male!' exclaimed Jacques.

'A male genie! You're not even meant to exist!' Juliet replied.

'Fairies aren't meant to exist either!' Jacques pointed out.

'Well, yeah, but…'

The two were interrupted by some words from downstairs.

'I seriously think the bridesmaids should be dressed in salmon…'

'No, Artemis, I was going to wear salmon.'

'Yes, but don't you want to be married in the traditional white?'

'Since when was I much for tradition? I'm about to marry someone who isn't even my species!'

'Fine, fine, but I still think the bridesmaids should be wearing salmon.'

'Why do you keep saying "bridesmaids" in plural? I only have one.'

'It's a figure of speech! What's wrong with salmon?'

'Only the fact that _I_ want to wear it!'

'Salmon won't go with your skin tone!'

'Excuse me? You're the male, and _you're_ talking to me about skin tone?'

'It won't match your complexion!'

'Oh, and name a colour that will.'

'Green?'

'I _told _you! I don't want to get married in green anymore!'

Juliet shot Jacques an alarmed look. 'Kettle,' she hissed. 'Now!'

Jacques rose immediately, grabbed the kettle and slid it under Juliet's bed, and disappeared from view. 'Tell me when they're gone.'

The door swung open, and Juliet stuck the croissant in her mouth to conceal the fact she had been biting her lip a moment before.

'Juliet,' said Holly, crossing the room. 'I need to pick a dress.'

Artemis rubbed his eyes. 'The wedding is in less than two weeks. We've left this far too late.' Artemis' eyes moved over to the table where Juliet was eating.

Juliet immediately started to panic. The table was set for two. Only Artemis would notice such a thing. Artemis noticed _everything_.

'Were you entertaining someone?' Artemis asked.

'No,' Juliet lied. 'Why do you say that?'

'The table is set for two,' Artemis pointed out.

Holly had noticed this too, and raised an eyebrow. 'Did we interrupt something?'

'Of course not!' Julie protested, trying to smile. 'Now, we were talking about the wedding?'

Holly's face fell. 'I can't decide! Help me!'

'Well, do you want a traditional wedding?' Juliet asked.

Holly snorted. 'It's a cross-species marriage. I think it'll be anything but traditional.'

'What about a chocolate cake and a black wedding dress?' Juliet said, hoping that Artemis and Holly would reject her suggestion and leave.

No such luck. Holly's eyes widened. 'That's a fantastic idea!'

Artemis smiled. 'Getting married in black. Classic.'

'I'll go pick a cake and check out dresses,' Holly said, turning back to Artemis who was standing by the door. They left for a moment, but then Holly stuck her head around the doorframe.

'By the way,' she said. 'I've picked out and ordered your dress.'

'Cool,' said Juliet. 'What colour?'

'Eggplant,' Holly smiled. 'See you later!'

Juliet stared blankly after her. She was returned to reality by the realisation that Jacques was standing behind her, laughing.

'And what is so funny?' Juliet asked.

Jacques smiled, displaying those damned dimples again. 'Your dress is eggplant.'

'Shut up.'

Jacques tore a croissant in half. 'What are we doing for the rest of the day?'

'I suppose I'll be picking up my dress,' Juliet grunted.

Jacques snorted.

'Shut it, or I'll make one of my wishes that you'll take a long holiday into the middle of the desert,' Juliet threatened.

The genie smiled. 'I can grant my own wishes. I'll just wish myself out of there.'

'Dammit.'

'Can I come with you to get my suit?'

'Well, okay, but only if you dress nice.'

'Are you going to introduce me to the bride and groom?'

Juliet shook her head.

Jacques arched an eyebrow. 'Why not?'

'Because you're a genie.'

'You reckon they'll think I'm a freak?' he smiled.

'No. Yes. Well, sort of…'

'What does that make the bride?'

'There's a massive difference!'

'Like what?'

'Like I've known her since I was sixteen and I've known you for, what, two days?'

'Two _whole_ days,' he was still grinning.

'There's still a difference.' Juliet crossed her arms adamantly.

'A small one,' Jacques admitted. 'I still want to meet them.'

'I'm afraid you'll be disappointed,' Juliet said, standing up. 'I'm going to get dressed so I look almost slightly professional. You can leave the room until I'm decent.'

'I think you look perfectly decent right now,' he smiled again.

Juliet snuck a look at her reflection in the mirror opposite her bed. Yikes. Hair sticking out at odd angles. Eyes bloodshot and puffy. Juliet hadn't got much sleep the night before. One reason was the snoring emanating from inside the kettle, indiscreetly placed on top of her chest of drawers on the opposite side of the room. The other reason was the person who was the cause of the snoring.

Stupid genie, toying with her emotions.

'Out,' Juliet pointed, stiff armed at the door.

'As you wish, my mistress,' said Jacques jokingly, sinking into a low bow.

Juliet scowled but said nothing as the genie slid the door shut.

She dressed in am elbow-length blouse and black skirt that sat high on her waist. Juliet pulled on some semi-transparent black tights and slid into a pair of black heels. Some extra time on hair and makeup, and she was looked respectable. Almost.

It was her businesswoman look. The shoes looked classy and the heels were sharp, guaranteed an extra weapon if she needed it. Juliet slung a large black bag over her shoulder and stepped out the door.

Her first thought was Jacques. Juliet had expected that he would be standing near the door, but he wasn't. She heard voices from the living room, and paled. _He wouldn't._

He would. Juliet hurried down the stairs and managed to skid to a stop in front of the doorway. Jacques was shaking hands with Artemis, looking very pleased with himself. He shot her a sly look.

'Jacques,' Juliet said warningly.

'So you _do_ know each other,' Holly said, smiling. 'Was this the person you were sharing breakfast with?'

'No,' said Juliet.

'Yes,' said Jacques.

She glared at him. He merely shrugged.

Artemis raised an eyebrow. 'I'm sure you can tell us the truth, Juliet.'

'The truth?' Juliet racked her brains. What would she tell them? She'd accidentally released a genie and he was bound by law to grant her three wishes, and that she had invited him to the wedding and they were on their way out to buy him a suit? Not likely.

To her surprise, Jacques put his arm around her waist. 'We've been seeing each other for a while,' he told Artemis and Holly. 'We spent the night together.'

Juliet flushed bright pink. She hadn't expected that.

'No wonder you looked so dishevelled earlier,' Artemis mused.

Juliet's face reddened even more, if that was possible. Jacques grinned widely and kissed her on the forehead.

Holly smiled. 'That's great! Why didn't you tell us before?'

Juliet opened her mouth but nothing came out. Jacques came to her rescue.

'She didn't want to worry you,' he told them. 'You guys are planning your wedding. It seemed like a hassle.'

'Not at all!' Holly insisted. 'Personally, I think it's high time Juliet found a nice guy. You'll be coming to the wedding, of course?'

'I wouldn't want to impose,' Jacques said.

_Oh, yes you would,_ Juliet thought viciously.

Artemis shrugged. 'What difference would another guest make? I'll seat you at the head table, seeing as how you're so friendly with the bridesmaid.'

Juliet had given up on blushing. No words nor the colour of her face could describe her embarrassment at this particular moment.

Jacques smiled. 'It would be a delight to join you.'

'Well, now that we all know each other, Jacques and I had better get going,' Juliet seized the genie's arm and tugged him towards the door. 'We need to get him fitted for a suit, seeing how he's coming to the wedding and all. Holly, what name is the dress under?'

'Holly Fowl,' Holly told her.

Artemis smiled. 'I always like the way that sounds.'

Juliet pushed Jacques out of the room. 'See you later!'

She didn't speak until they were in the car and out of the driveway. 'Why did you tell them that?' she asked through obviously clenched teeth.

Jacques shrugged. 'It seemed like the most logical response.'

'Logical response my ass. You just like to see me squirm.'

He grinned. 'So sue me, I know which buttons to press.'

The thought had her having a hot flash.

* * *

'I want to drive,' Jacques told her.

Juliet was holding a gigantic box containing her eggplant dress, another smaller box which held her matching shoes, and a suit all carefully zipped up in protective plastic sheet, and wasn't in much position to argue. She tossed him the keys to the Volvo.

'Knock yourself out,' she said, as the genie unlocked the car.

He smiled slightly. 'I'm glad you didn't say "I wish" before you said that.'

Juliet put the boxes and suit into the backseat and slid into the passenger side. 'Whatever.'

Jacques walked around the car to the driver's door, and Juliet clicked her seatbelt on.

A moment later, she was very glad she had; Jacques had flown past two stopsigns, and narrowly missed a fruit stall and pedestrian. Juliet shrieked and gripped the armrests. 'What the bloody hell are you doing?'

'Driving,' was his one-word reply.

'Do you _know_ how to drive?'

'Obviously.'

'I meant like a sane person!'

'Are you calling me insane? That hurts my feelings.'

'I don't care! Slow the hell down!'

The car slowed to a stop. It took Juliet a moment to realise that they were idling in the Fowl Manor driveway. Her mouth dropped open.

'How did you do that?'

'Genie powers,' Jacques said. 'My fingers do the magic.'

Juliet couldn't help thinking that she liked the sound of that.

She didn't say it out loud, of course.

The two carted their shopping up to the house, and took everything up to Juliet's room. Juliet pulled out the dress and wrinkled her nose in distaste.

Jacques noticed her displeasure. 'I think it'll look good on you.'

'Shove a sock in it. It's eggplant.'

'It's purple! I thought you liked purple!'

'Not this kind of purple.'

'Then what kind of purple?'

'Like…' Juliet studied the room to find a sort of purple she liked. She looked at Jacques. 'Your eyes.'

As soon as she said it, she wished she hadn't. The genie's face split into the biggest grin she had ever seen. The dimples reappeared.

'You're totally falling for me,' Jacques told her, like she already didn't know.

'I'm not!' _I will NOT blush! _

'I'll be right here if you ever feel like confessing,' he teased.

Juliet crossed her arms. 'Don't joke about things like that.'

His grin widened. 'You'd only be this irritated if it were true.'

'Shut up. I'm not attracted to you.'

'So then…' he stepped forward. 'You wouldn't mind if I did this?'

Suddenly his face was inches from hers. Juliet's breath caught in her throat. The genie's arm slid around her waist and pulled her in closer and closer, until their lips were only millimetres apart…

'Juliet!'

It was Holly.

Juliet pulled away instantly, red as a tomato.

Jacques grinned. 'Not attracted to me, huh?'

'You caught me off-guard,' Juliet lied, panicky. 'Any closer and I would have dislocated your jaw.'

'Juliet!' Holly was calling her again.

'I'm coming!' Juliet called downstairs.

Jacques snorted. 'I'm sure you are.'

'Shut up,' she had said it several times today. 'I didn't mean it like that.'

'Sure you didn't. I saw that look on your face when you realised I was about to kiss you.'

Juliet's face flushed bright red, yet again.

'Juliet! I need some help with the cake!'

'Goddamn it!' Juliet said, making her way towards the door. 'I'll be there in a second!'

Jacques followed her out the door, smiling to himself. 'Weddings are wonderful things, aren't they?'

'Stupid, stressful, and unnecessary,' Juliet sighed as she walked down the stairs. 'Sometimes I wish they'd just have a massive fight and forget the whole thing.'

Jacques cringed.

He snapped his fingers.

* * *

**A/N: Uh oh. What happens next? **

**Review and you'll find out.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I own nobody except for Jacques.**

**A/N: Yay for cliffhangers! When we last saw Juliet, she had just made a really dumb wish without realising. Good thing she did, right? Otherwise the story would be boring.**

* * *

**I dream of Jacques: Chapter Four**

The air around them seemed to freeze. Then there was silence.

Juliet looked around. 'What did you just do?'

'_I_ didn't do anything,' Jacques said. 'But _you_ just made a wish that I'm bound by law to grant.'

Juliet clapped a hand over her mouth, 'You mean…?'

'I _hate_ you, Artemis Fowl!' Holly screamed from the living room.

'Not as much as I hate _you_!' Artemis retorted.

Holly stormed out of the living room, and up the stairs past Juliet and Jacques. Juliet gazed after her, feeling faintly sick.

Holly spun around. 'What the hell are you looking at?'

'Nothing!' Juliet dropped her eyes to the floor.

'I _hate_ you, Artemis!' Holly screamed again.

'Shut up, you old bag!' Artemis shouted back.

Holly stomped up the stairs and slammed the door to her room.

Juliet released a breath she unconsciously had been holding. 'Crap.'

'I think "crap" is a bit of an understatement,' Jacques said bluntly.

Juliet took a deep breath and belted out every swearword she knew, complete with hand gestures and foot-stamping.

'Much better,' Jacques said.

Juliet grabbed his arm and dragged him upstairs into her room again. She locked the door behind her, and when she had turned around again, Jacques was sitting on her bed.

'You're too calm about this!' Juliet snapped.

'Hey, I didn't do anything,' Jacques told her.

'Excuse me? You made them hate each other!'

'Only because you wanted it to happen.'

'I was being sarcastic!'

'Sarcastic wishes are still wishes!'

'Then take it back!' Juliet cried, frantic.

'I can't,' Jacques sighed. 'Once wished, it's irreversible.'

'What? But that wasn't in the rules!'

'Yes it was. Rule seventy-two.'

'You didn't read me rule seventy-two!' Juliet protested.

'Only the first four are important!'

'You think that _this_ is unimportant?'

'Well, now it seems to be more important than it actually was.'

'Really? You think so?'

'I'm sorry, all right?' Jacques said, his voice slightly raised. 'I just didn't think you'd be stupid enough to make a wish like that.'

Juliet raised an eyebrow. 'Excuse me?'

'You heard me.'

'Whatever. Can you do something about it?'

'No.'

'Are you serious?'

'They hate each other now.'

'So? Make them fall in love again!'

'I told you I can't do that. Only Cupid can and he's in Europe finding a match for Orlando Bloom.'

'I wish I was dead,' Juliet said, putting her head in her hands.

Jacques winced. 'I'm glad I can't grant that one.'

'What am I meant to do?'

'You have to make them fall for each other again,' Jacques said, shrugging.

Juliet stared at him blankly.

'What?' Jacques asked.

'Do you have _any_ idea how hard that's going to be?'

'Enlighten me,' said the genie.

'Well…' Juliet thought for a moment. Artemis had been in love with Holly since he was fifteen. And Holly had been in love with him since… well, Juliet wasn't sure. But it had taken about three weeks from the first "I love you" to actually setting the wedding date. That was nearly seven months ago.

'Well what?' Jacques said, interrupting her thoughts.

'Artemis… well, he's stubborn.'

'Right. And Holly?'

'She's worse.'

'I see.'

Juliet glared at him. 'No, you obviously don't see. How are we supposed to make them fall for each other again?'

'Remind them what brought them together in the first place.'

'Right, so I'll just get Artemis to kidnap Holly again. Should be pretty easy, since he's matured beyond the need to abduct fairies and hold them for ransom.'

'I see your point. That could be a little difficult.'

'Just a tad,' snapped Juliet. 'Can't you contact Cupid for me?'

Jacques conjured a mobile phone from nowhere and handed it to her. 'You'll have to do it. It was your wish.'

Juliet frowned as she took the phone.

Jacques stood from her bed and walked towards the door. 'I'll go have a chat to Artemis while you make the call. I suggest you talk to Holly, too.'

'Sure,' said Juliet absentmindedly, flipping the phone open.

Her bedroom door closed as she scrolled through the genie's contacts. She passed through the Cs and discovered "Cupid, Jeffrey", and hit "Call".

The phone rang three times before a woman picked it up. 'Mr. Cupid's office, how may I direct your call?'

'Um, hi,' said Juliet, unsure of where to start. 'My name's Juliet Butler, and I've got a bit of a problem.'

'Darling, if the guy's rejected you, get over it, pursue someone else, or invest in some good electric toothbrushes,' the woman replied.

Juliet pulled the phone from her ear and stared at it. That was probably the last thing she had expected. She returned the phone to her ear.

'No, um, see, I sort of released this genie, and-'

'You've fallen for him? Darling, it wouldn't be the first time.'

'No, no, see, I made a really dumb wish and accidentally broke up my employer and his fiancée.'

'And the genie isn't allowed to make them fall in love again, right?'

'Right.'

'We get stuff like this all the time. Were they in love?'

'Um, as far as I know.'

'Good, Jeff should be able to fix it. Next opening he has is in twelve years.'

Juliet almost popped a vein. 'Twelve years? But they're getting married next week!'

'Not anymore. I'll be sure to call you if we have a cancelling. I'll ask for Juliet Butler, correct?'

'Yeah.'

'Excellent. Thanks for calling Cupid!'

_Click._

Juliet spent a long time staring at the phone. Then she gingerly placed it on her bedside table, before leaving to go and have a chat to Holly, feeling a headache coming on.

Holly had been living at Fowl Manor for a few months, and this had been the room that had been originally set up for her by Artemis, as a last-ditch attempt to draw the attention away from the fact that they were sleeping together just about every night.

Eventually, Juliet confronted him, and told him that she didn't want to have to clean two rooms when only one was needed, and Holly's health would end up suffering if she continued running up the corridor and down a staircase at five in the morning only wearing the bare essentials.

To nobody's surprise, Holly's room went unused from that day onwards. But now, Juliet was positive that was where Holly would be.

She knocked on the door and gently eased it open.

There was a cry of 'Go away!' and a hairdryer came whizzing out of nowhere. Juliet pulled the door shut just in time, and the hairdryer impacted with a loud "crack".

'It's Juliet,' Juliet told her through the door.

'I don't care!' Holly shouted back.

'Holly, can we please just talk about this?'

'No!' Holly screamed. Something else hit the door, and Juliet highly suspected it was some kind of pot plant. 'Leave me alone!'

'What did you fight about?'

'What does it matter? The wedding is off!'

Juliet clenched her teeth. This was all her fault.

There was nothing more she could do than listen to Holly yell at her, so Juliet returned to her bedroom, sat on her bed and stared blankly at the wall, hoping that some miraculous idea would come to her. Nothing.

Jacques pushed open the door and joined her on her bed. 'How was it?'

'She threw a hairdryer at me.'

'Not good, then.'

'You could say that. How was Artemis?'

'He let me into his room, but I did all the talking,' Jacques said.

'At least he didn't throw anything at you,' Juliet grumbled.

'True.'

They sat there for a long time. Juliet rubbed her temples.

'What should we do now?' she asked.

Jacques grinned. 'I can think of a lot of things we could do now.'

'Can't you be serious, for just one second?'

'I've never been more serious in my life. What did Cupid say?'

'His receptionist gave me an appointment twelve years from now, and said she'd tell me if she got a cancelling.'

Jacques snorted. 'You're screwed.'

'Shut up, I'm trying not to think about it.'

'What should we tell the other Fowls?'

She had forgotten about Angeline and Artemis senior, likewise her older brother. Luckily, they were in France at the moment. Juliet groaned. When Butler got back, he was going to murder her.

'I could get used to you making that noise,' Jacques said, laughing a little bit.

'Stop it. You're not helping.'

'I know. I'm sorry.'

'No you're not,' Juliet said, raising an eyebrow.

'I know,' He agreed. 'I'm a terrible person.'

'What are we meant to do?'

'Wait until things calm down, I suppose.'

'I meant something that would actually _help_.'

'Organise a candlelit dinner for two?'

'I doubt that would work.'

'I wasn't talking about Artemis and Holly.'

Juliet punched him in the shoulder with enough force to break a concrete slab. '_Behave._'

Luckily genies have magic powers, or healing his shattered shoulder would have caused Jacques a little more discomfort than he would have liked.

The genie rubbed his shoulder. 'Okay, fine. I know something that could help.'

'Go ahead.'

'Look out the window.'

Juliet did. A taxi had pulled up in front of Fowl Manor, and a small auburn-haired figure was getting into it.

Juliet jumped up. 'Crap!'

She was halfway down the stairs in a heartbeat, the only thought in her mind was that she couldn't let Holly leave the Manor.

'Holly, wait!'

Holly stopped with one foot in the cab. 'What?'

'You can't leave!'

'Give me one good reason why I can't.'

'Because…' Juliet racked her brains, trying to think of a good reason. _Come on, Juliet,_ the blonde told herself, _You're a Butler. _

'Because…?' Holly asked irritably.

Then it hit her. 'Because Jacques is in love with you!'

Holly stared at her. 'Really?'

'Yes, really!'

Holly looked interested, and Juliet couldn't blame her. Jacques was charming, intelligent, attractive, and he had an okay job.

'All right, then,' Holly said, stepping out of the taxi and closing the door. 'I'll stay for a while.'

The driver looked irritated. 'What about me, then?'

Juliet thrust a thick wad of cash in his direction. 'Here, take it!'

The driver took it. 'Yes, ma'am!'

Juliet took Holly's bags and led her inside as the driver sped away. They walked through the front doors, where Jacques was waiting for them. Holly had just moved towards him when an irritated voice emanated from the staircase.

'Why the hell are you still here?' Artemis snapped.

Holly stood next to Jacques and grabbed his arm. 'Because this hunk-muffin has fallen for me, right Jacques?'

The genie's eyes glazed over, and moved to look at Juliet. Juliet shrugged.

Jacques turned back to Artemis. 'Yeah, that's right.'

Artemis snorted, 'Good luck with that, then.' And he disappeared upstairs again.

Holly released Jacques and moved towards the living room. 'I'm going to watch TV. When's dinner?'

Juliet checked the clock. 'Eight o'clock. I'm running late, sorry.'

'It's fine,' Holly said. 'By the way, send out letters to all the wedding guests and tell them it's been cancelled.'

Juliet nearly groaned. More work. 'I'll do it tomorrow.'

'Good. See you at dinner.'

Juliet headed towards the kitchen with Jacques hot on her heels.

'Why in the name of Buddha did you tell her I was in love with her?' he asked as soon as they were out of earshot of the living room.

Juliet shrugged. 'It was the only thing I could think of that would get her to stay. Besides, this way, we're even.'

'Pardon?'

'Payback for telling Artemis and Holly that we were dating.'

Jacques grinned. 'You totally want me.'

Old news. 'Stop it. I have to send letters to all the guests tomorrow and I'm easily irritated.'

'You could dedicate one of your wishes to that.'

'No thanks. When this is all over I'm going to need a trip to the Bahamas.'

'Fair enough. You can delay until next Thursday. If Artemis and Holly aren't in love again by then, you know what you can wish for.'

'All right,' Juliet sighed.

'And,' Jacques said, flashing her a brilliant grin, 'If worst come to worst, you won't have to wear that eggplant dress.'

Juliet couldn't help thinking that would probably make the whole situation worth it.

* * *

**A/N: The end of another chapter. No cliffie this time, as I don't want to be responsible for any heart-failure among my readers.**

**Review and I'll post the next chapter.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **Believe it or not, I do not own Artemis Fowl. Shocking, I know. However, I do own Jacques and the plot.

**A/N: **I want to introduce a little more romance into this. Therefore, Jacques will be annoyingly intrusive and unknown of the concept called personal space. Poor Juliet, right?

And get ready to party, because I started this story exactly a year ago!  
Read it -grin-

* * *

**I dream of Jacques: Chapter Five**

Juliet woke up Sunday morning with a migraine and a heavy arm draped over her back. She knew the cause of the migraine, but to whom the arm belonged to was unknown to her. She turned over on the pillow and was greeted with the view of a sleeping Jacques, his face only centimetres away from her own.

Juliet shrieked and slipped off the mattress, pulling the blanket with her.

Jacques sat up and blinked. 'What? What?'

Juliet lay on the carpeted floor, breathing hard. The genie must have climbed into bed with her after she had fallen asleep.

'Why the hell were you in my bed?' she demanded.

'Because I didn't feel like sleeping in a kettle,' replied Jacques, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. 'Why?'

'Because it's an invasion of my personal space!'

'You broke my house.'

'I gave you a new one!'

'And I preferred your bed. Besides, we're supposed to be dating, remember?' he said.

'And you're supposed to be in love with Holly, remember?' Juliet snapped.

'How is she meant to believe that when _we're_ supposed to be seeing each other?'

'I'm pretty sure she's forgotten that.' She threw the blanket back over him and went to get her stuff. 'Whatever. I'm taking a shower.'

Jacques flashed her a malicious grin. 'Mind if I join you?'

'Yes, I do mind. Go back to sleep.'

'Fine.'

Juliet gathered her towel and underwear and headed into her en-suite. She stood in the shower until she was clean, relaxed and her fingers had gone wrinkly. She dried herself, pulled on fresh undies and a bra, then wrapped a towel around herself and stepped outside.

She immediately noticed that Jacques was topless. He was wearing a pair of loose-fitting jeans, grey socks, and he was standing and staring out the window. Juliet unconsciously tightened the towel around herself. He heard her approaching and turned around.

Juliet grunted. 'Would you please put some clothes on?'

'I was just going to ask if you thought that Holly would like it,' Jacques said, flexing his muscles. 'What do you think?'

Juliet was having a hard time trying not to say exactly what she was thinking. 'Put a shirt on, please.'

'I'll take that as a compliment, then,' Jacques said, pulling a t-shirt over his head. Juliet liked how he dressed so casual, and she wondered where he'd got the shirt from. Certainly not from Artemis, who avoided t-shirts like the plague.

Jacques walked over to her until he was unnecessarily close. Juliet wasn't exactly short, but the genie towered over her. He flicked her bra strap, and Juliet twitched.

'You're already wearing underwear,' Jacques noted. 'Do I make you nervous?'

_Yes._ 'No.'

'Liar,' he grinned.

Juliet tactfully decided to change the subject. 'You can leave while I get dressed, thanks.'

Jacques headed towards the door. 'I'd rather stay and enjoy the show.'

'I'd rather it if you didn't.'

'That's the difference between you and me. I'll get breakfast ready.'

Juliet waited until she was certain that Jacques had closed the door, before crossing the room and locking it. She wasn't taking any chances.

She spent a little more time on her hair and makeup than she normally would, what with the knowledge that there was finally a male in the house who found her attractive, and that she wouldn't be doing any cleaning.

She pulled on socks, dressed in navy blue jeans, and slipped a singlet over her head. Then she at stared herself in the mirror for a while.

'You are _not_ attracted to him,' she told herself.

_And you are a liar_, said a little part of her brain that knew her too well.

Ugh. It was right.

Juliet went downstairs into the dining room. At one end of the long dining table sat Artemis, sitting with his arms crossed, staring across at Holly, who was copying the posture.

Jacques was sitting on one side, and he looked relieved to see her.

'What's for breakfast?' Juliet asked.

'Croissants, hot chocolate and fresh fruit,' said Holly. 'Jacques so kindly made it for us. He's such a kind person.' She glared at Artemis as she said it. 'He takes the time to make breakfast for the person he loves.'

'No doubt he only took the time was because he had nothing better to do,' Artemis said, glaring right back at her. 'I might have done it, but I was working on some experiments, which are more important than making breakfast.'

'Would you say that doing your precious experiments is more important than a relationship altogether?' Holly asked icily.

'Maybe I would,' Artemis snapped back.

The tension in the room was frightening. Juliet coughed and put on a falsely cheery voice.

'So, um, how did you sleep, Holly?'

'Just fine, thank you, since I wasn't in the room with a snoring hippopotamus,' Holly replied with a cold glance in Artemis' direction.

Artemis gave a bark of mirthless laughter. 'So you had an out-of-body experience? I could only be so lucky.'

Juliet bit her lip. To think that these two had once been engaged. At a loss of anything to say, she took a croissant and stuffed it in her mouth.

Jacques did the same. Both Holly and Artemis followed suit.

Soon, the dining table had been plunged into silence, only broken by the tinkling of cutlery and the sound of purposeful chewing.

Soon enough, they had run out of things to eat, and nobody had anything to talk about. Artemis rose and left the table. Holly brushed crumbs off her lap and left, sending a curt nod to Juliet and a wide smile to Jacques.

Soon it was just the younger Butler and the genie.

'How the hell did those two end up together?' Jacques asked, standing and starting to collect the plates.

'Honestly?' Juliet replied, rising from her seat to help. 'I don't know.'

'Will getting them back together be worth it?'

'Yes,' she replied promptly. 'They're meant to be.'

Jacques rolled his eyes. 'Jeez. I'm stuck in the middle of a soap opera.'

'Don't start,' Juliet warned. 'I'm not in a good mood.'

'PMS?'

'No.'

'You're lying.'

'I'm not.'

His eyes levelled with hers and Juliet felt a blush creeping onto her cheeks. She turned away before he could see her reddening face.

He scoffed. 'Pathetic.'

'I can sneak up and kill you silently, so zip it,' Juliet snapped.

'Yes, mistress.'

'So what do we do?'

'You tell me.'

'We can go for a hike and watch the sunset.'

He arched an eyebrow suggestively. 'Sounds romantic.'

'I meant Holly and Artemis could go for a hike and watch the sunset,' Juliet said quickly. 'And we could tag along.'

'I'm sure.'

'We'll leave at four. I'll go tell them.'

'And leave me to do the dishes?'

'You're a genie, for Crissake! You can snap your fingers and they're done!'

'Snapping your fingers actually takes more effort than you realise.'

Juliet turned and left the room without another word.

She climbed two flights of stairs and knocked quietly on Artemis' bedroom door.

'Artemis?'

'What?'

She eased the door open to find Artemis slumped over his desk, his fingers flying over the keyboard. Juliet knew how to use a computer; actually, she knew how to dismantle a computer and put it back together, but even she was a little frightened of how fast Artemis could type.

'I was thinking of going for a hike after lunch, at around four.'

Artemis didn't look up. 'And?'

'And you're coming.'

'When was that decided?'

'Right now.'

Artemis looked away from his computer, his fingers still typing madly. Juliet suspected that he would argue with her, and set her features in a defiant expression. He took one glance at her face and knew that he was defeated.

The genius sighed and turned back to the computer screen. 'Is Holly coming?'

Juliet debated her answer for a moment. Then she decided on the truth.

'No.' Juliet hadn't asked her yet, so technically she wasn't coming.

Artemis shrugged. 'Fine, then.'

Juliet shut the door and went down the stairs to Holly's room.

She peeked cautiously around the doorframe to make sure there were no hairdryers flying in her direction.

'Holly?'

'Mmm?'

Holly was sitting on her bed, reading a book. Juliet stepped inside and had a look around the room. A few days ago, the walls had been plastered with cut outs from wedding magazines. Holly had been blu-tacking them up in groups; "Probable", "Too Expensive" and "Last Resort". The walls were now bare, and Juliet felt a pang of ever-reoccurring regret.

'What happened to all the cut outs?' she asked, leaning against the wall.

Holly shrugged. 'I took them all down.'

'Where are they?'

'That bin over there.'

Juliet crossed the room and picked up a wastepaper basket, overflowing with pictures of wedding dresses, bridesmaids gowns, shoes, cakes and flower arrangements. 'Mind if I keep these?'

Holly snorted. 'Sure. What else can I do for you?'

'Jacques wants to know if you want to go on a hike with him after lunch.'

Holly's face lit up. 'I'd love to.'

Juliet hoped that she wouldn't ask about Artemis. 'Cool, I'll tell him.'

'Sure. I'll see you soon.'

'Bye.'

As Juliet pulled the door shut, her arms wrapped around the wastepaper basket, she wondered since when Holly had decided that goodbyes were necessary considering they lived four rooms apart.

* * *

Juliet was alerted to a knocking on her bedroom door. She was kneeling in the middle of her floor, with all of Holly's magazine clippings spread out around her. She was trying to remember which of the ones Holly liked. Juliet had spotted her gown almost immediately, and crunched it up. Too late now, considering Holly had already got it.

'Come in,' she said to the door, scanning all the pictures.

It was Jacques, holding a tray with a large salad and melted cheese on toast. He placed the tray on Juliet's desk and glanced at the photos.

He grinned. 'Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't we? I haven't even kissed you yet.'

'These are Holly's, as you very well know,' Juliet replied.

'I like winding you up.'

'I noticed.'

Jacques spooned some salad out and handed her a bowl. 'Here. Lunch.'

Juliet forked through the salad. 'I don't usually have salad for lunch.'

'You don't usually have anything for lunch. Besides, I wanted to make sure you could fit into that gown.'

Juliet sent him a sharp look. 'Are you calling me fat?'

'No. I'm just taking precautions, that's all.'

Juliet had a look down at her stomach. Since Artemis had been getting into the whole settling-down-and-having-a-family scene, his little adventures had been cut to an absolute minimum, and Juliet had been slacking off on her daily workouts. She _had_ noticed a little extra fat around the edges.

'Ugh.'

'Don't like my salad?'

'I don't like my _self_.'

'You're not _that_ bad.'

'Thanks, that just boosted my self esteem a whole lot.'

'I'm serious,' Jacques insisted. 'I've dated a lot worse.'

Juliet forked the salad into her mouth. 'Just stop talking. You're treading on a very delicate tightrope mentioning my weight.'

'Is there anything I can say that won't make it worse?'

'Probably not.'

'Is there anything I can _do_ that won't make it worse?'

Juliet put the bowl down and shifted through some dresses. 'Like what?'

'Like this.'

Juliet felt a warm hand under her chin and her face was pulled up, and she found herself staring straight into the genie's eyes. Then his lips had captured her own in the most heart-melting kiss she had ever experienced.

Juliet was thinking something along the lines of _Oh my goddddddd _when realisation suddenly struck her and she roughly pushed him away.

'What the hell do you think you're doing?' she demanded, trying to draw attention away from the fact that her face had turned scarlet.

'Getting your mind off your weight. Did it work?' Jacques grinned.

Juliet was thinking, _Weight? What weight?_ but she didn't let him catch on. She pointed, stiff-armed, at the door. 'Out. Now.'

'Did you like my kiss?' the genie asked, pretending to be hurt as he stood and walked towards the door.

_Yesssss… _Juliet thought, but out loud she just said, 'I have a lot of work to do and other things to think about. Like my weight, for one.'

'You'll have plenty of time to think about it while we're hiking. That _and_ the amazing kiss we just shared.'

'It was like kissing chocolate mousse.'

'I didn't realise you spent so much time hooking up with desserts.'

Juliet gave him a stiff middle finger. 'Hook up with this. Out.'

* * *

'What in the name of Zeus are _you_ doing here?' snapped Holly as Artemis came into view.

'I'm going for a healthy hike with Juliet. Is anything wrong with that?' Artemis said irritably, clearly out of breath.

'Only the fact that you resemble pig excrement,' Holly hissed.

Juliet sighed. Jacques and Holly had left for the hike a few minutes before Juliet had bundled Artemis out the front doors, and had therefore reached the peak of the "mountain" before them. Juliet was glad that she had managed to get out of the house, but Artemis seemed to be pining for his computer with every minute that passed.

'What a surprise,' said Jacques as he spotted Juliet. 'I didn't know you were going for a hike too.'

'Yes, what a coincidence,' Juliet replied, hoping that Artemis and Holly were too mad at each other to notice the genie's sarcasm.

'Well, since we're all here, we might as well enjoy the company,' Jacques said down on a rock and patted the spot beside him. 'Care to join me?'

Juliet had opened her mouth to reply, but Holly beat her to it.

'Of course!' said the elf, sitting next to Jacques. He smiled and put an arm around her, holding her close. Holly shot a smug grin at Artemis before cuddling back.

Juliet was suddenly struck with a sting of jealousy. Had that kiss meant nothing?

_Of course it meant nothing, you brain-dead moron_, her sensible side snapped. _He's doesn't legally exist. _

Juliet didn't bother thinking about it. She was fighting a losing battle with herself. There wasn't any point to worrying about a relationship with a genie.

_But he kissed me,_ Juliet's girly side said dreamily. _And I kissed back_.

_Oh, shut up,_ her sensible side said.

Juliet flopped onto the grass next to Artemis, who was watching Holly and Jacques with a strange expression on his face. Juliet figured that Artemis' romantic feelings towards Holly were struggling to expose themselves beneath the layers of hatred that had been accidentally placed above them. The poor young man must be feeling extremely confused.

Jacques stood up and stretched. 'I need to go do some business behind that clump of bushes over there. Artemis, could you keep my seat warm?'

Artemis shot a dirty look in the genie's direction and stared back out into the sky. Jacques shrugged and walked off, pausing briefly when he was close to Juliet.

'What have you been thinking about?' he whispered in a voice so low that even Holly's sensitive fairy hearing couldn't catch it.

Juliet bit her lip and watched Jacques stroll away to the clump of bushes nearby. Then she turned her attention back to Holly and Artemis, who were sitting a good three metres apart, but were sneaking glances in each other's direction. They were two lovers who were still engaged, absolutely despising each other yet clearly still showing their affections for one-another. If the situation wasn't so desperate, Juliet might have laughed.

'Stop staring at me, Artemis,' Holly snapped suddenly.

'I'm not staring at you,' Artemis said, a little too quickly.

'Yes you are, you have been for a good five minutes.'

'You'd only know if I had been staring at you if _you_ were staring at _me_.'

'What are you on about?'

'You've been staring at me.'

'I have not!'

Jacques returned to where they were sitting, and ran his hands through Juliet's hair as he strolled past her. 'How are our two lovebirds going?'

'They're going nowhere. And you'd better have cleaned your hands before doing that.'

'Don't worry, I wasn't actually doing _that_ kind of business.'

Juliet arched an eyebrow. 'What kind of business were you doing, then?'

'I was calling up Cupid's office to see if he can squeeze us in between appointments. The odds that Artemis and Holly will get together again are looking unpromising.' Jacques took a seat next to her.

'Well, as long as we still have hope. What did Cupid say?'

'He's limited to forty-second appointments.'

'How the hell can you make someone fall in love within forty seconds?'

'A lot of people have asked, and I don't think the secret's ever going to get out.'

'Great. So what do we do?'

'Grit our teeth and hope for the best, I suppose,' Jacques said with a shrug.

'What do you think this is? Skydiving? This is my employer's relationship we're talking about!' Juliet snapped. 'I've ruined his life!'

'_He_ doesn't see it that way. He just had a fight with his fiancée and they parted ways, simple as that.'

'Yeah, but my brother was looking forward to being best man, and Mrs Fowl keeps going on about how if Artemis doesn't marry Holly then he wouldn't be getting any other girls.'

Jacques snorted. 'She sounds like a charming woman.'

'I completely agree with her. How many people do you think can put up with Artemis Fowl?'

'Not many, I suppose.'

'And how many _women_?' Juliet raised her eyebrows.

'Enlighten me.'

'Two.' Juliet held up two fingers. 'His mother and Holly.'

'What about you?' Jacques asked.

'Half the time I'm either arguing with him or trying not to slap him.'

'Jacques!' Holly suddenly whined. 'Come sit with me!'

Juliet nearly cringed. Holly was acting totally different when she didn't have Artemis to cuddle up to. She sounded like a clingy teenage girlfriend.

Jacques smiled. 'I'd better go.'

'Have fun,' Juliet said sarcastically.

As Jacques went to sit next to Holly again, Juliet felt another pang of jealousy. The genie seemed to sense this, because he put an arm around Holly's shoulders and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Something prickled in the pit of her stomach, and Juliet bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from saying anything.

_I am __**not**__ in love with him._

* * *

**A/N: **Crappy chapter ending, I know, but it was getting too long, and if I cram too much into a whole chapter then there won't be enough for the next one.

Sooo, what are your thoughts on the Juliet/Jacques kiss? Hot? Unnecessary? Squee-worthy? I'm afraid this is going to be one of those cliché stories where the two main characters kiss in like the first chapter, and then the rest of the story is made up of unresolved sexual tension and awkwardness. But I must remind you that Jacques is a genie, and he doesn't take anything seriously. Therefore, the story will be interesting.

It's my birthday today, so if you review, don't forget to wish me a happy one! :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **I know it sounds crazy, but I actually DON'T own Artemis Fowl. I KNOW, right? CRAZY!

**A/N: **I love writing, don't get me wrong. But there are some days when I'm just a completely unimaginative lump and I can't think of anything. So YAY for dialogue that takes up lots of space and words! I can't think of a good plot sometimes, but I can usually come up with some interesting quotes that I'd like to stick in a conversation somewhere. Therefore, Juliet and Jacques will banter and probably have a few games of twenty questions. Hell, I'm procrastinating. Don't blame me, sick monkey frogs.

Read.

* * *

**I Dream of Jacques: Chapter Six**

When Juliet had gone to sleep the night before, she had suspected that, at some point, Jacques would climb into bed with her. But that didn't stop her from shrieking and falling off the mattress again when she woke up on Monday.

Jacques sat up groggily, rubbing his eyes. 'What's going on?'

Juliet was on the floor in her pyjamas, looking grumpy, as was to be expected. 'Is this going to become a regular thing with you?'

'What?'

'Jumping into bed with me.'

'Depends what you mean by "regular."'

'I mean every night.'

'Nah, only until I get a new house.'

Juliet stood up furiously gestured at the kettle on her shelf. 'You've _got_ a new house. A very nice one, too!'

'It smells metallic,' the genie said.

'Maybe that's because it's made of _metal_?'

'I prefer porcelain.'

'Well, I offered porcelain and you declined.'

'I couldn't stand up properly!' Jacques insisted.

Juliet put her hands over her head. 'I can't _believe_ I'm having a conversation with you about this. I'm going to have a shower.'

Jacques sent her a grin, and Juliet could tell what he was thinking.

'Go back to sleep or make yourself useful. I need to relax.'

Juliet headed into the bathroom, tied her hair up in a loose bun, and stepped into the shower. Once she was done washing her face, she got out and wrapped a towel around herself, before realising that she hadn't brought a spare change of clothes.

Juliet cursed her luck. She'd have to walk back into her room, naked and vulnerable, into the arms of the waiting Jacques. Who knew what he'd do to her?

The mental images had her biting her lip, but she pushed the thoughts out of her mind and walked out of the bathroom.

Her first thought was _Omigod_ and _Crap, I'm screwed_ came at a close second. Jacques was in sweatpants, socks, and nothing else. Though she'd seen it before, Juliet found herself staring at his bare chest and she tightened the grip on her towel.

'Feeling vulnerable, are we?' the genie asked, slinking forwards.

'No,' Juliet lied.

'Really?' Jacques said, clearly surprised.

Then he started kissing her neck and the instincts that were telling her to keep that grip on her towel were being replaced by the ones that were telling her to make sure that Jacques wouldn't stop.

_Snap out of it!_ said a little voice in her head, and Juliet's eyes flew open and she pushed Jacques away. Unfortunately, this caused her towel to slip a few inches, but she quickly caught it and gave the genie a glare.

'Stop it,' she said firmly.

'You didn't want me to stop it a few seconds ago,' Jacques grinned.

'Leave the room, please.'

'Please, now?'

'You know, I could be ordering you around and stuff, considering I'm your mistress. I'm asking you politely, and if you don't then I'll get cocky and call your boss.'

Jacques looked genuinely worried at the prospect of having to face his boss. 'What would you tell him?'

'I don't know. That you were harassing me?'

'But you _like_ it!'

'It's my word against yours, slave. Who's he going to believe?'

Jacques pouted, and Juliet couldn't help but think that he looked absolutely adorable like that. But she didn't let it show.

'I thought you were fun,' Jacques said, heading for the door.

'I _am_ fun!' Juliet protested.

'What if I challenged you to a game of Twister later?'

Juliet bit her lip and Jacques grinned.

'I knew you'd say no,' he teased.

'Fine, fine!' Juliet snapped. 'I'll play bloody Twister with you. But _only_ if we can get Artemis and Holly to join in.'

'You think that getting them in awkward positions will blow on the romantic spark that's buried deep down between them?'

'Well, that's why you want to play, isn't it?'

He grinned again and the dimples appeared. 'Guilty as charged. I'll see you at breakfast.'

* * *

'Morning Artemis. Morning Holly,' Juliet said cheerily, walking into the room.

'Morning,' they replied tersely, in perfect unison and without looking at each other.

Jacques smiled at her as he placed a stack of pancakes on the table. 'How did you sleep?' he asked innocently.

Juliet glowered at him beneath narrowed brows. 'Very well, thanks.'

'Well, _I_ slept well too,' Holly said loudly, shooting an evil look at Artemis.

'And I'm very glad to hear it,' Jacques said with a grin.

Juliet slumped into a chair and plucked a pancake off the top of the pile. She drizzled lemon juice and sugar on it, rolled it into a tube and tucked in.

Six pancakes later, Juliet was leaning back and satisfied.

'That was excellent,' Holly said, before Juliet had a chance to open her mouth. 'I'll help you with breakfast tomorrow, since you've been kind enough to make it two days in a row.'

Artemis let out a bark of laughter. 'Jacques, I wouldn't let her anywhere near the kitchen if I were you. She doesn't know how to boil water.'

Holly glared at him. 'I wouldn't be talking if I didn't know how to use a toaster.'

Artemis looked shocked. 'I _do_ know how to use a toaster, thank you very much. In case you don't remember, I designed and built the one that currently resides in _your_ kitchen.'

'You wouldn't want to touch it in case you chipped your pretty little manicured fingernails,' Holly sneered.

'I'm a pianist! The manicure is necessary!' Artemis snapped across the table.

'Bull!' Holly shrieked back. 'You just like getting fussed over, you mummy's boy!'

'Why I-'

'So!' Juliet stood up and slammed her fists down on the table. 'I think I'll get the dishes started! Jacques, care to help me?'

He stood up immediately. 'Of course.'

Holly pouted. 'You said you'd play Scrabble with me!'

Jacques took her plate, kissing her on the head as he did so. 'I will. Just later, okay?'

Holly smiled, and glanced over at Artemis again. 'Okay.'

Juliet carted the dishes into the kitchen and dumped them into the sink. Jacques followed suit. Then he clicked his fingers and the dishes started washing themselves.

Juliet raised an eyebrow. 'That's handy.'

'I suppose. You still up for Twister later?'

'Holly would be keen. I'm not so sure about Artemis, though.'

'Come play scrabble with us, then,' Jacques suggested. 'I doubt he'd turn that down.'

'He'll wipe the floor with us,' Juliet reminded him.

'Better to keep him happy, though,' the genie pointed out.

'All right.'

Leaving the dishes to wash themselves, Jacques and Juliet returned to the dining room.

'I suppose Holly's in the lounge,' Juliet said, suddenly feeling very nervous.

'I suppose she is,' Jacques said cheerfully.

Juliet started moving towards the door 'I guess I'll just -'

Jacques had grabbed her arm and spun her around. He smiled at her slyly.

'Let go of my arm,' Juliet commanded.

He obediently let go, but still stood uncomfortably close to her.

'Nervous?' he asked quietly.

'About what.'

His hand reached her chin and tilted her head up. Juliet fought hard not to bite her lip, but her eyes never left the deep purple irises that stared back into her own.

'I'm going to kiss you again,' Jacques warned.

'Oh,' Juliet said, feeling slightly faint.

And so he did. His lips crushed hers in a fashion that implied that he had a little more than a game of Twister on his mind. Juliet's arms remained by her sides, as though her brain wasn't properly connected to her limbs.

_STOP IT!_ screamed her sensible side.

_Oh my goddd…_ said her girly side.

Since her sensible side was louder, Juliet took it's advice and pushed Jacques off her. 'No offence or anything, but I don't think I should be kissing you.'

'Why not?'

'If Holly sees us, she'll flip out.'

'You're being a lot nicer than you were this morning,' Jacques said, raising an eyebrow.

Juliet shrugged.

'And you're not denying the fact that you're attracted to me.'

'There doesn't seem to be much of a point now.'

'Agreed.'

'Jacques!' Holly called from the living room. 'Are you going to play or what?'

The genie sighed. 'Better call Artemis down.'

Juliet turned towards the stairs. 'Artemis!'

'What?' he called back.

'Come play Scrabble!'

'Why?'

'Because I say so!'

The genius appeared at the top of the stairs, looking grumpy. 'You do realise that I have a lot of better things to do, don't you?'

'You never pass up an opportunity to flaunt your Scrabble skills,' Juliet replied tersely. 'Come on.'

She led Artemis into the living room, where Jacques and Holly were already seated around the coffee table. The Scrabble board was set up, and Holly had a severely disgruntled expression on her face.

'You again,' she said with an eye roll.

Artemis snorted. 'You just don't want me to beat you again.'

'Pfft,' Holly tossed over two letter stands to Juliet. 'You won't beat me this time.'

Jacques plucked out his letters and stared at them for a moment. Then he smiled. 'Can I start?'

'Of course!' Holly said, before Juliet could get her brain around a response. 'Go for it!'

Jacques pulled off all his letters and placed them carefully in the middle of the board. _STENCIL._

'Beginner's luck,' he said modestly, writing down his score and fishing for his letters.

Holly went next. She pulled the letter _U_ off her stand and placed it on the board. _US._ She shot a meaningful look at Jacques before writing down her score and replacing the letter.

Artemis scoffed. 'Pathetic.'

He plucked five letters off his stand. Using Jacques' letter _I, _he formed the word _TMESIS._

Holly looked up sharply. 'That's not a word.'

Artemis tutted as he wrote down his score. 'Yes it is, Holly.'

'What does it mean then?'

'"The separation of parts of a word by another word,"' Artemis said, without so much as a pause to think about it.

Holly still looked doubtful, but Juliet knew better than to question Artemis.

Holly grunted in a most unladylike fashion. 'Fine. Your turn, Juliet.'

Juliet had a look her letters. She had never been any good at Scrabble. She shook her head dejectedly and reached for the letter bag. 'Pass.'

Jacques added _L-I-N-G_ to the end of _STENCIL._ He wrote down his score and took some new letters.

Holly made _US_ into _TRUST_ and gave Jacques a smile. She took new letters and wrote down her score.

Artemis used an _S_ to form _SENILE_, tallied his score and got new letters.

Feeling stupid, Juliet joined _E-T_ to the bottom of the _M_.

Jacques used an _E _ to make the word _EVER_.

Holly formed ­_SUNSET_ using her _T_ and threw an even more obvious glance at the genie. He didn't bat an eyelid.

Artemis used Juliet's _MET_ to make _METRONOME._

And so the game went on as such. Holly was being embarrassingly obvious about her inspired crush on Jacques, adding words like _LOVE_ and _FOREVER_, and shooting the genie meaningful glances.

Jacques seemed like he was doing his best to ignore it, while at the same time trying to give her some kind of hint, putting down _PLAGUE_ and such like. Artemis continued bamboozling everyone with his extensive vocabulary, and if anybody enquired about the word, he would shoot them down with an icy glare.

Juliet herself was failing miserably, trying to keep up. She put down short words like _STOP_ and _THE_, and was feeling genuinely fed up with her lack of Scrabble skills.

After a while, Artemis tutted and poured his remaining letters into the bag. 'I've had enough of this. I've got better things to do.'

'Fine,' Holly said, her voice a mixture of relief, irritation and something which sounded suspiciously like disappointment.

Juliet used an _E_ to make the word _EGG_. 'I think I might drop out too.'

Holly took some letters and formed _ALWAYS_. 'If you're sure.'

'Still up for Twister later?' Jacques asked, smiling down at the board for some reason and fingering his letters.

Juliet rolled her eyes. 'I suppose.'

Holly's eyes were wide with delight. 'Can I play too?'

'Sure,' Jacques said, putting down his letters.

Juliet looked down at the board and noticed that Jacques had used her letters to form the word _EGGPLANT_. She forced herself not to grind her teeth in frustration.

* * *

**A/N:** Jacques is a cruel person, and I am a bad writer today. Bad chapter ending, I know, I know. Feel free to rant at me, as long as it means that you'll review.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** I own Jacques and nothing else.

**A/N: **Oh, man, the last chapter ended crappily and I didn't even get to Jacques and Juliet's game of Twister! Aww!

Obviously, I couldn't be bothered writing it. That's how nice I am. I just REALLY want to finish this story, okay?

* * *

**I Dream Of Jacques: Chapter Seven**

It was Tuesday and Juliet was expecting the worst. She knew that as soon as she moved, Jacques would try to kiss her neck or slide his hand up her thigh. She decided she might as well get it over with, and rolled over in bed to face him.

He wasn't there.

Juliet slid out of bed and stalked over to her bathroom to take a shower. This morning she wouldn't need to be bothered by his obscene suggestions and intrusion of personal space. Nevertheless, she was slightly disappointed and wondered where he was.

She finished her shower, pulled on fresh underwear and sweat pants, and looked in the mirror. Juliet Butler stared back at her, and didn't look impressed. Juliet grunted.

She had flipped her head upside down and had just started towel-drying her hair when the door swung open and Jacques walked in. His hair was tousled and he was only wearing his boxers, and every time he walked he seemed to wince.

Juliet raised her eyebrows, but it probably didn't get to him considering she was upside down. 'Nice hair.'

'Thanks,' Jacques got into her bed and pulled the covers over himself. 'I'm going to sleep for a while.'

Juliet flipped right way up and busied herself with the hairdryer. 'Where were you last night?'

He gave a sleepy sort of smile. 'Miss me?'

'No,' Juliet lied. 'I think I've got a right to know.'

'If you really must know, I spent the night with Holly.'

Her stunned silence was answer enough. And the blatant stare that accompanied it just amplified the reaction.

'Jealous, are we?' Jacques asked.

Juliet decided that the question wasn't worthy of a response. 'How could you do that?'

'Easily, actually,' Jacques said sleepily. 'If you don't understand the mechanics of it, I'd be quite happy to show you later.'

Juliet put her hands on her hips. 'What I meant was, how could you do that to Artemis?'

'I'm supposed to be in love with her, remember?'

'And we're supposed to be getting Artemis back with her, remember?'

'Look, I'm sorry,' Jacques said, rolling over. 'She was all over me. Since she broke up with Artemis, she said she'd been feeling lonely. If you catch my drift.'

Juliet caught his drift and didn't pursue the subject. 'Well, I'd appreciate it if you'd run that idea by me before you try something like that again.'

'You think I'd tell you before I slept with someone?'

'I think you would.'

'You don't know much. You're just jealous, aren't you?'

'No!' Juliet spluttered, feeling her cheeks heat up.

'I'll have you know, if I wanted you right now, I could get you out of those sweats in two seconds flat,' Jacques told her.

'What's stopping you then?' Juliet asked, realising she sounded slightly flirty.

'Because Holly woke me up every two hours so she could revisit Happy Town,' he said with a yawn. 'The spirit is willing, but the body is sore and tired.'

Juliet grunted. 'I'll make my own breakfast.'

'Coffee's next to the butter.'

* * *

Juliet was finishing a second cup of coffee in front of the television when Jacques came downstairs. He had showered and put on fresh clothes, and was looking much better.

'Better?' Juliet asked.

'Alive,' he replied. 'But sore. And _that _part of me is still unconscious.'

'Sorry to hear it.'

He flashed her a grin. 'I'm sure you are.'

'I'm just being nice.'

'Do you know CPR?'

Juliet rolled her eyes and stood up. 'Want coffee?'

'Sure.'

'Come on, then.'

Jacques followed her, somewhat wearily, to the kitchen. She poured him a mug and slid it across the bench.

He raised it to his lips and sipped at it. He smiled.

'I'll give you one thing, Mistress, you're good at making coffee.'

'I'm good at other things too,' Juliet interjected.

'Scrabble isn't one of them. Still not sure about Twister, though.'

'Dream on. I'm not playing Twister with you.'

'We'll see,' he said mysteriously, slinking out of the room.

Juliet poured herself another coffee and returned to the living room. Jacques was stretched across the couch, holding the remote. His mug stood on the coffee table, steaming slightly. He had changed the channel, and unfortunately her wrestling show was no more; Jacques was watching the football.

'I was watching that,' Juliet told him, placing her cup down next to his.

'Too bad,' he said.

'I'm your mistress, you do what I say.'

'Only if you wish for me to give up the remote.'

'Ugh.'

'You could wrestle me for it,' Jacques suggested, sounding hopeful.

'I'd beat you and hurt you,' Juliet replied tartly. 'And you're already sore.'

'True.'

'So, what made you realise that you wanted to sleep with Holly?'

Jacques shrugged. 'She wanted something. I wanted something. I'm pretending to be in love with her, and she's obviously pretending to be infatuated with me to gain some kind of attention from Artemis.'

'So there was no kind of sexual attraction at all?' Juliet asked, thinking it was too good to be true.

'Are you kidding? Holly's hot.'

Juliet's spirits sunk into the heels of her socks. She knew it. Holly was gorgeous.

'Anyway,' Jacques took his coffee and sipped at it. 'What is this, twenty questions?'

'Something like that.'

'My turn, then,' Jacques put his coffee down again and stared at the ceiling for a moment. 'Were you ever attracted to Artemis?'

Juliet recoiled. 'Ugh! No!'

The genie laughed. 'Really?'

'He was a greasy-haired teenager obsessed with fairies and the supernatural. How the hell could anyone find _that_ attractive?'

'Holly found a way.'

'True. My turn. How many girlfriends have you had?'

He thought for a moment. 'A lot.'

Juliet raised an eyebrow. 'Be specific.'

'When I was in my early teens I was a real player. I went through girlfriends in a matter of days.'

'How many _real_ girlfriends, then? How many were you in love with?'

'So far, none.'

'Reckon there'll ever be a first?'

He looked at her carefully for a long time before answering, 'Maybe.'

Juliet sighed inwardly. That hadn't been the answer she wanted.

'Well, I'm going to bum around for the rest of the day,' Juliet told him, taking his empty coffee cup. 'Interested in joining me?'

'Sure, but later I need to make dinner reservations,' Jacques said, clicking the TV off.

Juliet turned toward the kitchen and ground her teeth. 'That's nice.'

'Not for Holly and me,' Jacques said with a laugh. 'Holly and Artemis.'

Juliet spun around. 'Really?'

'We could pretend to tag along and accidentally forget to go.'

Juliet smiled. 'Brilliant.'

'I know I am.'

'Will it work?'

Jacques shrugged. 'What have we got to lose?'

Juliet crossed the room and plucked a cordless telephone out of its cradle and tossed it to him. 'Call up now.'

'Two tables?' Jacques dialled the number.

'Sure. We'll want to watch the action.'

'I think we'll need a disguise.'

Juliet laughed. 'Absolutely. I've got a few wigs in my room.'

Jacques raised the phone to his ear. 'And _why_ would you need a wig?'

'Artemis was rather adventurous in his youth.'

* * *

'Look, there she is,' Juliet hissed, looking over her menu for the umpteenth time.

Jacques checked over his discreetly. 'Took her long enough.'

Juliet covered her face with the menu again. 'It takes women a little while to get ready.'

'Like I don't know already. You must have tried on forty pairs of sunglasses before you were satisfied.'

Juliet discreetly checked out her oversized sunnies in the mirror next to her. They were thick rimmed, dark, and covered the top of her cheekbones. Juliet had the ability to make herself blend into a crowd, but when two people who knew her were expecting her to show up, it was better to be conspicuously inconspicuous, and her short black wig was helping.

Jacques had put on fake reading glasses and had clicked his fingers to make his dark hair slightly longer and blonde. Neither of them looked like themselves, but in any case, they were trying to be sneaky.

Juliet pretended to hunt in her handbag for something, slyly looking at Holly as she did so.

'Those are _my_ shoes,' she said suddenly.

Jacques quickly shushed her. 'Quiet, she'll hear you.'

Holly was looking disgruntled, but she sat down opposite Artemis. They both busied themselves in their menus.

'They're so adorable together!' Juliet squealed.

Jacques tutted. 'They aren't together.'

'You sleeping with Holly didn't do much to help.'

There was a small cough. 'Excuse me?'

Jacques and Juliet looked up. Their waiter, a pimply teenager, was standing in front of them, looking nervous.

'Ready to order?' he asked.

'Two orders of spaghetti bolognaise and a large jug of water,' Juliet said before Jacques could open his mouth.

'Absolutely,' the waiter jotted it down and hurried off. 'Be with you in a moment.'

Juliet lowered her glasses. 'I think I made him nervous.'

'No, you think?' Jacques replied. 'Why didn't you let me order what I wanted?'

'Because we're here to spy on them, not enjoy our meal.'

'I was actually going to have a deep heart-to-heart chat with you.'

Juliet snorted. 'Right.'

Her eyes wandered back to Holly and Artemis, who were exchanging irritated glances and hardly speaking. After a while, Artemis put down his menu and called for a waiter, and the same pimply kid hurried over to him.

Over the hum of the restaurant patrons, and being too far away to hear him properly, Juliet observed Artemis make several obviously annoying enquiries about what probably was the cuisine, which had the waiter all flustered and gesturing towards the kitchens. After a while, Holly interrupted him and ordered something. The kid scribbled down her order and hurried away, looking petrified.

Holly glared at Artemis and said something that obviously irritated him, and he snapped back with a hand gesture that suggested that he didn't like her comment. Holly rolled her eyes and said something else.

'This is pointless,' Jacques said, like Juliet didn't already know.

'No it isn't,' Juliet lied.

'We can't hear a thing they're saying.'

'Want to move closer then?'

'Love to. Want to risk them recognising us?'

'No!'

'Then wait for your food, and let's leave.'

Juliet turned back to Holly and Artemis. The genius had called over a curvy waitress, and he seemed to be ordering some kind of delicacy, making specifics that he probably knew she couldn't follow.

After a good five minutes of writing, the waitress walked away, shaking her head. Artemis gazed, as through transfixed, at her swaying backside. He did it in a way that you'd have to be blind not to notice, and Holly was sitting directly opposite him.

Juliet couldn't hear her, but she was certain that Holly had tutted.

'He's doing the same thing,' Jacques noted.

'What do you mean?' Juliet asked.

'He's trying to make her jealous. I wonder why he hasn't tried some moves on you.'

'Because I'd punch his lights out if he tried.'

Jacques grinned at her. 'That's funny. You've never tried to hit _me_.'

Juliet blushed. 'You're different.'

'No kidding.'

'Two servings of spaghetti bolognaise?' said a voice above them. The curvy waitress was holding two bowls.

'That's ours, thanks,' said Jacques.

As the waitress placed the bowls down, she arched her eyebrow at Jacques in a way which she might have thought to be seductive.

Juliet almost growled. _Get away from him!_ said a distraught little voice in her head. Damn that Jacques and his sex appeal!

The genie reached across the table and took her hand. Juliet looked up at him, raising her eyebrows.

He smiled. 'So, what, June or August?'

Juliet blinked for a moment before catching on. 'I'm thinking August. My mother's birthday's in August, and she'd consider it a birthday present.'

'As long as she doesn't consider it an invitation to plan the wedding for us,' Jacques said with a laugh.

The waitress clearly looked disappointed, put their water down on the table and walked back into the kitchen.

'Quick thinking,' Juliet said, as soon as she was out of earshot.

'I'm glad you realised what I was talking about,' Jacques smiled.

Juliet looked down and realised that the genie was still holding her hand. After a moment of consideration, she tugged her hand out of his grasp. She couldn't handle any distractions, and Jacques was certainly one of them.

Jacques merely shrugged it off and turned his attention to his meal, while Juliet turned back to Artemis and Holly. Their food had arrived too, and Artemis was indulging himself in a low-fat salad, while Holly had a large bowl of pumpkin soup. Artemis put down his fork and checked his watch.

'I think he's wondering where we are,' Juliet said, before digging into her pasta.

'Well, we _are_ forty minutes late,' Jacques said, twirling spaghetti around his fork.

'When do you want to leave?'

'As soon as she throws that soup in his face.'

Juliet frowned. 'Hopefully that shouldn't happen.'

'Mistress, no offence meant, but you're a magnet for disaster.'

Juliet reddened. 'Shut up.'

He grinned. 'It's true.'

Juliet interested herself in what Holly and Artemis were doing.

'Check out their body language,' Juliet said. 'Leaning towards each other over the table. It's perfect!'

'Right,' said Jacques, rolling his eyes. 'And what are their facial expressions?'

Juliet looked. 'They look a little angry.'

'What did I tell you? This is pointless.'

'Quiet, Artemis is saying something.'

Artemis was talking and looking rather smug, and Holly's expression was far from impressed. Her face screwed up with anger and she stood up and screamed at him.

'You arrogant bastard!' by this point the whole restaurant had fallen silent. 'I hate you!'

'Damned she-fossil!' Artemis hollered back.

'Conceited mud worm!'

'Semi-literate Neanderthal!'

'Pathetic little mummy's boy!'

'Unattractive, overweight, unintelligent, inarticulate _old lady!_'

That was it. Holly picked up her soup bowl and threw it in Artemis' face. The genius cried out as the hot soup scalded his skin. As soon as he wiped the pumpkin out of his eyes, he threw his glass of red wine directly at Holly's chest.

'You idiot!' Holly snapped, staring furiously down at her now ruined white dress. In retaliation, she grabbed Artemis' salad and upended the bowl over his head, rubbing in the dressing. Then she gave him an almighty kick in the chest.

Artemis went flying over two tables, knocking over chairs and pulling at tablecloths. Dozens of bowls of food ended up on the floor and all over the patrons. They gaped at each other and some of the women burst into tears. Somehow or other, Artemis ended up at Jacques and Juliet's table, and he had grabbed Juliet's still-full bowl of spaghetti and thrown it.

Holly got a faceful of pasta and went sprawling into another table, which, to the patrons' horror, was covered in desserts. Almost everything ended up on the floor, but Holly got her hands on a massive Pavlova and lobbed it into the air.

In her anger, Holly had misjudged her own strength, and the Pavlova soared straight into the ceiling fan. Cream and pieces of fruit splattered the front window and nearly everybody in the room.

There was pandemonium. Everyone was screaming and shouting and clawing at each other to try to get to the door. The restaurant manager hurried out to try and calm people down, but slipped in a chocolate cake and went flying into the waitress who was already covered in slices of pineapple. Somehow, most of the patrons managed to get outside, until it was just Jacques and Juliet cowering behind their table, and Holly and Artemis, who were wrestling furiously.

'You sick masochistic scumbag!' Holly screeched, smothered in whipped cream, and holding Artemis in a headlock.

Artemis pushed her off into a scattering of fruit salad. 'Unreliable, obnoxious slag!'

'I hate you!' Holly tackled him again and they started rolling all over the desserts, exchanging threats and throwing punches where appropriate.

Juliet got up off the floor and pulled her wig off, which was splattered with whipped cream and kiwi fruit. Jacques had, by some miracle, managed to remain completely spotless. Damn genie powers.

Jacques snuck a look at Artemis and Holly, still beating each other up. Then he turned back to Juliet and grinned.

'Told you she'd throw her soup at him.'

* * *

**A/N:** I've always wanted to write about a food fight. And write some nice dialogue of Artemis and Holly insulting each other. Yay for me!

It doesn't matter if you loved or hated it, the important thing is that you REVIEW!


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, kay? Kay.

**A/N:** I've written eight whole chapters. You should be proud of me.

Now, I'd like to clarify some stuff. I'd call these FAQs, but they aren't frequently asked, if asked at all. These might be the questions that you're thinking about, but not actually asking. And here they are.

WTF: Juliet knows every form of martial arts there is. She's freaking awesome at it! So why doesn't she just rip Jacques' head off when he invades her personal space and kisses her?  
FYI: Because she's completely and utterly in love with him. Jeez.

WTF: What does Jacques look like? I'm trying to get a mental picture of him, and I can't!  
FYI: In my head, Jacques is tall and a tad muscular, slightly tanned, with dark brown hair which is short but not too short, and sort of pokes up in a cute way. I like to imagine him with some stubble, too, and his eyes are, as has been mentioned several times, purple.

WTF: Juliet and Jacques have known each other for, what, a week? Aren't they taking things a little bit fast?  
FYI: In my personal opinion, when two characters are in love, they can take things as fast as they want. And since I'm a total sap, my characters are in love, and are taking things fast. Plus, Jacques is a flirt, and he's been in a teapot for three years. If you catch my drift.

I hope that cleared up some stuff. You may read now.

* * *

**I Dream Of Jacques: Chapter Eight**

Wednesday? Check.

Grumpy? Check.

Jacques? Check.

Juliet opened her eyes. Jacques was, as she had suspected, sleeping peacefully next to her. This morning she was too grumpy to scream. She rolled over with a groan, putting her face in her pillow, and was immediately hit by the overwhelming scent of Pavlova.

Still smelling like desserts? Check.

Jacques had evidently woken up too, and had pressed his lips to her neck. 'You smell good enough to eat.'

Since Juliet's face was in her pillow, Jacques didn't notice her blush. 'I need to shower.'

'Should I even bother asking?'

'No, you shouldn't.'

Juliet swung out of bed and into the bathroom. She had a look at herself in the mirror as she let the water heat up, and she wasn't impressed with what she saw. Artemis had to pay for the restaurant to be cleaned, and once he had written the cheque and gotten off the phone, he started up another row with Holly, which had lasted to nearly three in the morning. In all the commotion, Juliet gave up on the prospect of a peaceful shower and had gone to bed.

Now, her face was blotchy, there was mascara all over her face, and her hair still had a collection of globs in it. Whipped scream, bolognaise sauce, and sliced mango. Juliet screwed up her face.

'I will _not_ cry.'

Juliet burst into tears. After a while, she wiped her face and sniffled. 'Pull yourself together, Juliet.' Then she undressed and stepped into the steaming water.

After her shower, Juliet dressed in sweat pants and a singlet. Jacques wasn't in the room, so he had obviously gone downstairs already. She tied up her wet hair and pulled on some socks before walking downstairs.

The first thing she noticed was that nobody was screaming. After having to sleep with a pillow over your head, you come to appreciate silence, and Juliet could only just hear the slight clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen. Jacques was probably making breakfast.

Juliet stuck her head around the door and inhaled. The scent of porridge filled her nostrils. 'Yum.'

'_Yum_ is a little mild for what I'm feeling,' Jacques said, spooning some porridge into a bowl and handing it to her. 'You have no idea how sexy you look with your hair tied up like that.'

Juliet ate some porridge to avoid replying to the comment. 'What are we doing today?'

'Personally, I think we should take it to the experts,' Jacques said.

'We called Cupid already. We have an appointment in twelve years,' Juliet reminded him.

'Do you know where his office is?'

'No. Do you?'

'I do. Do you know how many people know?'

Juliet shrugged. 'A hundred thousand?'

Jacques laughed. 'Actually, more like fifty.'

'Fifty thousand?'

'No. Fifty. Five zero.'

Juliet nodded. 'What are you saying?'

'I'm saying, if we go there personally, there's no guarantee that we'll be able to meet with Cupid, but it's more likely that they'll take us seriously.'

Juliet dumped her empty bowl in the sink. 'Brilliant!'

Jacques smiled. 'I know I am.'

Juliet took another bowl of porridge. 'I'll take this up to Artemis. Go talk to Holly and make sure she's calmed down.'

'Sure. We'll go to Cupid's at noon.'

'Okay.'

Juliet went upstairs to Artemis' room with the porridge, balancing the tray in one hand as she knocked on the door. 'Artemis?'

'What?' the voice was grumpy, to say the least.

'Breakfast. Can I come in?'

'Sure.'

Juliet opened the door and peeked around. Artemis was, as usual, tapping on his laptop with his abnormally fast fingers.

'Porridge,' Juliet told him, putting the tray down. 'With cinnamon. The way you like it.'

'Thanks, Juliet, I appreciate it,' Artemis said, without looking away from the screen.

Juliet watched his rapidly moving fingers for a while.

Artemis stopped typing for a moment. 'Can I do anything for you?'

'Well…' Juliet thought about how to phrase the question. 'Do you actually hate Holly?'

Artemis scoffed. 'She threw pumpkin soup in my face.'

'And from what I've heard, you threw spaghetti in her face.'

'That was _after_ she threw the soup at me.'

'There are different sides to every story.'

'You may leave, Juliet,' Artemis said, clearly irritated.

'Fine,' Juliet turned round, one hand on the doorknob. 'Jacques and I are going out at noon, and I'd appreciate it if Holly were alive when we got back, okay?'

Artemis didn't reply, so Juliet went downstairs again. She made herself a coffee and carted it up to her bedroom. She was sipping it and going through Holly's magazine clippings again when Jacques entered the room.

'What happened?' Juliet asked.

'She didn't throw the porridge at me, in case you were wondering.'

'That's nice to know. What did she say?'

'Ranted about Artemis and males in general. Apparently we're all shallow-minded buffoons.'

Juliet laughed. 'Girl power.'

'Whatever.'

'I'd appreciate it if you left while I get changed. Do I need to look respectable?'

Jacques smiled warmly. 'I'm not saying I don't like how you look right now, but it would probably help.'

* * *

They got into the car at eleven thirty and started driving. They kept driving until past lunchtime. By two o'clock, Juliet had surpassed boredom and was struggling not to fall into a coma.

'How far is it?' she complained.

'Not far, by genie transportation,' Jacques told her. 'We just need to get to the right place.'

'The right place?'

'You'll see.'

'I hope so. I've lost the feeling in my backside,' Juliet shifted uncomfortably.

'That's nice. I suppose you just decided that I needed to know that.'

'I did. So how does this genie transportation thing work?'

'We click our fingers and think the right words and we end up where we want,' Jacques said with a shrug.

'And where are we going?'

'That's classified information.'

'Hmph.'

Jacques pulled off a highway onto a dirt road and parked behind a long row of trees, shielding them from the view of anybody driving past. He turned off the engine and closed his eyes.

Juliet was completely silent, watching him closely. After a long while, he opened his eyes and flashed a smile at her.

'Coast's clear. Keep your seat belt on.'

Juliet didn't have any time to feel nervous, because Jacques clicked his fingers and a slightly empty street materialised around them.

Juliet blinked. 'What did you just do?'

'I just transported us to London,' Jacques said, undoing his seat belt.

'And you had to drive into the middle of nowhere to do that?'

'That spot is jinxed. Genie magic gathers there, so transportation is easier and less likely to be fatal.'

Juliet paled as she got out of the car. 'You mean we could have died just then?'

'Not _we_, just you.'

'Thanks for telling me,' Juliet said, slinging a bag over her shoulder.

'I didn't want to worry you.'

'What else aren't you telling me that might worry me?'

He grinned and slipped an arm around her waist. 'That I'm a fantastic lover.'

Juliet scoffed and pushed the arm off. 'Why would that worry me?'

'You'd be worried you wouldn't be able to keep up.'

'Jerk.'

'Sticks and stones.'

He led her into a back alley and up a small set of stairs, until they got to a little white door, with a plaque on it reading, "C. Jeffries, Lawyer". He pushed it open, and a bell twinkled as he stepped inside, pulling Juliet with him as he did. Two people were sitting in chairs near the walls, and a receptionist looked up from a computer as they entered.

'Can I help you?' she asked. She looked young and slightly bored.

'I'm here to enquire upon Charlie Umpire's Plumbing and Industrial Department,' Jacques told her.

Juliet sent him a quizzical look, but the receptionist nodded.

'Down the hall, fourth door on the right,' she said with a gesture.

'Thank you,' Jacques said. He took Juliet's arm and led her down the hallway until they reached the fourth door on the right. He knocked.

'Enter,' said a voice from inside.

Jacques pushed open the door, and Juliet was greeted by a massive room full of people, all talking and chatting. There were people arguing, and mothers nursing crying babies, and against the wall was a long receptionists desk, where four women were frantically answering telephones and writing down appointments.

Jacques gestured at a roll of tickets standing on the edge of the desk. Juliet took a number, and bit her lip when she saw that it had nine digits. Jacques plucked the ticket out of her grasp, sighed and pushed her into a chair. Then they waited.

Juliet wasn't a very patient person, but she managed to hold herself in for the next forty minutes. After an hour and a half she started getting fidgety. Jacques spent most of the time staring at the wall and looking at his watch.

Juliet was wearing a beige skirt and a short-sleeved white blouse, but she had an irritating suspicion that the respectable presentation wouldn't be needed, and wished that she had dressed in something more comfortable.

After three hours, the room had emptied out the tiniest bit, and Juliet managed to snag a magazine. By the time the minute hand on Jacques' watch had ticked past the twelve again, Juliet had read the magazine at least fourteen times.

'Enough of this,' Jacques said, as the fifth hour creeped up to greet them. He stood up, and Juliet followed suit, with a little difficulty. Sitting still for so long had her joints all stiff.

Jacques walked up to the reception desk. 'Excuse me?'

'One moment, please,' said the receptionist, and she turned back to the phone. 'No, he absolutely cannot squeeze you between appointments. He's limited to forty seconds each. No. No. He can't. Yes, he has an opening in about a decade. Great, I'll put you down for five o'clock. Thanks for calling Cupid.'

She put the phone down and smiled at them. 'Sorry about that. How can I help you?'

'We'd like to see Cupid,' Jacques said, making it clear that _he_ was going to be doing the talking.

'Do you have an appointment?'

'Yes, but it's in twelve years and it's kind of urgent.'

'I'm afraid you'll have to wait. Jeff's chock-a-block right now.'

'I can see that,' Jacques said, 'But this is incredibly important to a young man's relationship.'

'I'm sorry,' the receptionist said with a little more force. 'You'll have to wait for your appointment.'

Juliet lost it. She slammed her palms down on the table, making the receptionist jump. 'There is more than just a man's relationship at stake here! He's my employer, for God's sake!'

'Security!' the receptionist shouted.

Two massive guards seized her by the arms started to march her outside.

'When my brother finds out that I was responsible, he'll kill me!' Juliet screamed across the room. 'Then he'll dig me up and clone me and kill all my clones!'

Jacques what shaking his head with a bemused expression, and silently followed Juliet and the guards outside.

'My death will be on your conscience!' Juliet cried, as the security guards pushed her out the door. 'I hope you can deal with that!'

'Sorry about this,' Jacques said, stepping out the door and taking Juliet's arm. 'She gets a little over-excited.'

The security guards grunted in what could have been practiced unison and slammed the door in Juliet's red face.

Jacques turned to the embarrassed girl. 'I know you'll hate this, but I'm going to click my fingers and we're going to be back in the car, and you'll be completely paralysed.'

Juliet tried to protest, but her voice wasn't working, and she was suddenly back in the car, with Jacques doing up her seatbelt. She cut her eyes, which she was miraculously able to move, to him and glared furiously.

'Sorry,' Jacques said, with the kind of sincerity you'd expect from a three-year-old who had just scribbled all over a white wall in permanent marker. 'It's for your own good.'

Juliet couldn't help agreeing with him.

* * *

It was only after Jacques had transported them back to the little clump of trees and driven them all the way back to Fowl Manor, by which point it had got dark, when he finally clicked his fingers and Juliet was able to move again.

They were parked in the middle of the driveway, and Juliet went into a long rant about the receptionist in Cupid's office, without sparing the dirty words.

Jacques shook his head as he got out of the car. 'You're insane. Beautiful, but insane.'

Juliet closed the car door and ignored the "beautiful" comment. 'It's that receptionist who was insane! Did you see how she called security?'

'Yes, I did. It looked like you were threatening her.'

'What else could I do?'

Jacques sighed. 'Let's just get inside, okay?'

'Whatever,' Juliet said, walking up the driveway. 'Will you be making dinner?'

'Why's it always me?'

'Because I really need a shower.'

'You showered this morning.'

'Still. I think I sweated out all my deodorant waiting in that office this afternoon.'

'Too much information. Did you ever stop to think that I might not want to know this?'

'You're always overloading my senses with stuff that _I_ would rather not hear.'

'So it's payback, then?'

'Something like that, I suppose, yeah.'

They stepped through the front door and trotted past the lounge room, where Holly was curled up on the couch, watching a game show.

'Hey, Holly,' Juliet said.

'Hey,' Holly said, disinterested.

'Did you have something to eat?'

'Yeah, I ordered pizza and was even kind enough to offer some to the imbecile upstairs. He just reminded me that he didn't like anchovies, the ungrateful little bastard.'

'No kidding,' Juliet said, her heart dropping into the pit of her stomach, where it was eaten away by digestive acids. 'I'm going to have a shower and go to bed. I'll see you in the morning.'

Juliet kicked off her shoes and climbed the stairs to her room. She threw the shoes into a corner and started undid the top button on her blouse. Then she heard a cough and spun around.

Jacques was sitting on her bed. 'Oh, please, don't stop on my account.'

'Out, now,' Juliet pointed at the door.

'What happened to _please_?'

'Out!'

Jacques stood up and walked over to her, and Juliet was feeling more insecure with every step. Soon enough, he was pushing her personal space bubble to the limit.

'I like what you're wearing,' he told her. 'The librarian look. It works for you.'

Juliet glared at him furiously. 'This is not the librarian look. It's my _respectable_ look.'

'Last time I checked, _Respectable_ didn't translate to _Sexy as hell_.'

That rendered her speechless, but she didn't need to speak, because Jacques had tilted her face up and kissed her again, and most of her brain had luckily turned to mush. Jacques was a good kisser.

Juliet found her back against the wall, and by some miracle, Jacques had eased his jacket off his shoulders. As their kisses started getting hotter, Jacques decided to inch his hand up Juliet's leg, and was under her skirt soon enough. It was at this point when Juliet's common sense returned to her.

'Whoa, okay!' she said, breaking away and pushing him off. 'Rewind for a moment! Getting a little carried away, here!'

'You can't leave me hanging like that,' Jacques said indignantly.

'Apparently, I can,' Juliet said. 'Now, please leave, I want to have a bath.'

'Ugh,' Jacques said, shaking his head furiously. 'You're so annoying.'

'_Me_?' Juliet asked incredulously. 'What about _you_?'

'I usually _try_ to finish what I've started.'

'This isn't about finishing anything, this is about Artemis and Holly.'

'Goddamn it,' Jacques muttered, crossing the room. 'You're so stubborn! I can't believe I've actually managed to fall in love with you!'

Juliet was stunned, and she only managed to find her voice _after_ Jacques had left the room and gone downstairs, presumably to make dinner.

_I can't believe I've actually managed to fall in love with you,_ his voice repeated in her head. _You're so stubborn!_

Juliet balled up her fists in anger. 'I am not stubborn! And I am _not_ in love with him!'

* * *

**A/N:** Aww, Jacques has fallen for our Juliet! Let's have a party with a piñata and little sausages on sticks!

Review?


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

**Disclaimer:** If some people are still under the delusion that I actually own the great creation that IS Artemis Fowl, then they really need to get some counselling.

**A/N: **Okay, I said in the first chapter that Artemis and Holly were getting married in two weeks, but unfortunately I don't have enough imagination to write about another whole week's worth of arguments and sexual tension. So we're going to practice a little thing called "Disjointed time". Basically, what happens is that we jump forward by a week in the story, so that I can follow up on a chapter/passage that I had already written. Kay? Kay.

Read!

* * *

**I Dream Of Jacques: Chapter Nine**

In the week that followed, Juliet and Jacques hadn't made much progress, if any. Artemis and Holly were avoiding each other, and their "conversations" were limited to insults and words were usually exchanged via screaming. If Juliet had once said that Artemis and Holly sometimes had conflicting opinions, now she knew she was wrong. It appeared that they actually truly hated each other.

It was Thursday. The wedding was on Friday. Juliet had finally picked out a cake and dress for Holly, but all hope was lost. Butler, Angeline and Artemis senior were returning to the Manor hardly two hours before the wedding. Juliet was counting down her hours to live.

Jacques seemed to be going with the flow and taking things in his stride, having conversations and playing Scrabble with Holly, and making breakfast every morning. Juliet had decided that the most important thing now was to keep Holly happy, so Jacques had taken to spending the night in Holly's room every couple of days. The following mornings, he could be seen looking grouchy and dishevelled and limping slightly. Juliet had a feeling that he was avoiding her, as there was certainly a lack of playful bantering between them. In a weird way, she missed it.

At ten o'clock, Jacques brought up a mug of hot chocolate and set it on Juliet's table. 'Hey.'

Juliet sent him a glare. 'Talking to me again, are you?'

'Obviously. What are you thinking about?'

'I'm thinking about all the different ways that my brother's going to kill me when he finds out I'm responsible for this.'

'Ouch.'

'Ouch is a bit of an understatement.'

'So, we've got, what, about twelve hours until the wedding. What are we going to do?'

Juliet ignored the hot chocolate and stood up. 'I think we just need to tell them to get married.'

'And _how_ are we going to do that?'

'We'll tell them how much they used to love each other. They'll see the light.'

Jacques stared at her blankly. 'There's no way in hell that's going to work.'

Juliet put her face in her hands. 'I know, I know! I'm out of options!'

'We can give it a go, though. Could it get any worse?'

'I don't think so, but Artemis is a genius and Holly is a little insane at times.'

'Go get her. We'll talk to them.'

* * *

Juliet had ignored Holly's protests and had dragged her upstairs to Artemis' room, and the elf was now seated on the large, four poster bed. She didn't look happy. Both Artemis and Holly were sitting with their arms crossed, avoiding each other's gaze. To say they weren't looking amused would be an understatement; They practically had 'We hate each other' stamped across their foreheads.

Juliet was in front of them, pacing. Jacques had decided to observe, and was leaning against the door, to make sure the ex-lovers couldn't escape.

'Look…' Juliet said. 'There's no short way to say this…'

'If it's about _him_,I don't want to hear it,' Holly snapped, without looking at Artemis.

'Can you just _leave_?' Artemis said irritably. 'You're stinking up my bedroom.'

'_Sit down_!' Juliet ordered, and Holly resumed her 'I-hate-him-and-I-hate-you-and-I-hate-everyone' position and set her face in a scowl.

'Okay, what I'm going to say is…' Juliet struggled to find the words. 'Basically, you guys are in love.'

Stunned silence filled the room. Then Artemis broke it by bursting out laughing.

'In – what?' he sniggered. 'Please!'

Holly was laughing too. 'Don't be so ridiculous!'

The atmosphere was light and the sound of laughter filled the room, and for a moment Juliet thought she had done it. _Huzzah!_ said a little voice inside her head. _You've achieved something!_

But her joy was short-lived. Artemis wiped a tear from his eye and said, 'As if I could ever be in love with this fat cow.'

Holly abruptly stopped laughing. 'Fat cow? Excuse me, but I wouldn't be talking if I was still breast-fed.'

Artemis flushed bright red. 'At least I don't have breast implants!'

'You're not worth the silicon they're made of!' shrieked Holly. 'Ungrateful bastard!'

'Snobby old dragon!'

'Stuck-up rodent!'

'Brainless Jezebel!'

'Immature, snot-faced pubescent!'

'Hold it!' Juliet shouted. 'Listen, this is important!'

The ex-lovers glared at her.

'You guys are due to get married tomorrow morning,' Juliet told them.

Holly looked surprised, 'I thought you had sent out the cancellations.'

'I thought you would change your mind,' Juliet replied sheepishly.

Artemis snorted. 'No luck, as it would appear.'

'Please, guys, can't you reconsider?'

Holly let out a bark of laughter. 'Dream on.'

'Butler's going to kill me!' Juliet cried, an inch and a half away from throwing herself onto the floor in despair. 'Please!'

Artemis frowned. 'Though I could care less about Butler killing you, I doubt he will. He'll understand when I tell him what this wretch has done.'

'What _has_ she done?' Jacques interrupted.

Artemis sat, deep in thought for a while. Obviously, since it was only Juliet's wish that had made them break up, he couldn't think of the reason they had started fighting.

'She called me a mummy's boy,' Artemis said finally.

Holly scoffed. 'He called me fat and unattractive.'

'She called me a conceited Mud Worm.'

'He called me a semi-literate Neanderthal.'

Juliet shook her head. This whole conversation was turning into a game of _He Said, She Said_, and both sides were losing miserably.

'She called me a sick, masochistic scumbag.'

'He called me an obnoxious whore.'

'I did _not_ call you an obnoxious whore!' Artemis snapped.

'Yes you did, you complete and utter haemorrhoid!'

'I did not. Your childish insults only add to my list of reasons why you make a poor excuse for a human being.'

'Shut it, Fowl. You know for a fact that I'm not human.'

'Yet that isn't at the top of the list,' Artemis said smugly.

Holly's eyes narrowed. 'Scum.'

'Slag.'

'Immoral pest.'

'Scandalous witch.'

'Repulsive maggot.'

'Unethical boar.'

Holly obviously ran out of insults, because she smoothly turned around and hit Artemis in the face. '_That's_ for disrespecting me,' she snarled.

Artemis was almost always a gentleman, and he knew that when a woman hits a man, nine times out of ten he deserved it. He also knew that gentlemen don't hit women back. But in any case, the tackled Holly to the floor.

'Get _off_ me, you perverted invertebrate!' Holly screamed, rolling Artemis into his bedside table and knocking over a Maidenhair Fern. They squabbled around in the dirt from the unfortunate plant.

Jacques grabbed Artemis by his collar and pulled him off his future wife, and Juliet hauled Holly up by her underarms.

Artemis had a cut lip, was covered in dirt and completely livid. 'Get out of my house!'

'Fine!' Holly screamed, shrugging Juliet off and pushing her away. 'I'll leave tomorrow morning!'

'Don't let the door hit you on your way out!' Artemis sneered.

'Oh, trust me, I won't let the door hit me. I'll smash it with a mallet!'

'Have a nice life!' Artemis shouted after her as she stormed out the door and down the stairs.

'Believe me,' Holly shouted back. 'I will. A long, happy one without the likes of _you_!'

Artemis shoved Jacques away from him.

'Whoa,' said the genie, putting out his hands to steady himself. 'Steady on.'

Artemis stared at the floor for a moment. Then he spoke. 'I'd appreciate it if you both would leave.'

'Of – of course,' Juliet stammered, moving towards the already open door. 'We'll just…'

Jacques gave her a little shove to hurry things along, and Juliet walked with him out of the room, feeling more miserable than she had ever felt in her life. She stumbled into her bedroom, and barely noticed Jacques close the door. She slid down the wall and put her face in her hands, sensing Jacques doing the same next to her.

After a while, Juliet sat up.

'That went badly.'

'Agreed,' Jacques replied nonchalantly, staring out the window.

'I might as well wish for those wedding cancellations to be sent out,' Juliet sighed. 'There's no way we can get them back together by tomorrow.'

'You could call Cupid again,' Jacques suggested.

'No point.'

'You could wish for a cancellation.'

'You can do that?'

The genie nodded. 'Yeah, I can.'

Juliet stared at him for a long time, unbelieving and stunned.

'And why didn't you tell me before?' she finally said, accusingly.

Jacques shrugged. 'You didn't ask.'

'Great, so all that effort was wasted?'

He shrugged again. 'Pretty much.'

'Brilliant. Okay, how do I make this wish?'

'The same way you made the first one.'

'All right,' Juliet took a deep breath. 'I wish that Cupid's receptionist will call me right now, and will tell me that Cupid had a cancellation and he can see me right away.'

Jacques smiled. 'Nice choice of words.'

He snapped his fingers.

Two seconds later, his phone started ringing. He stood up, pulled it out of his pocket, and pushed it at her. 'You answer it.'

Juliet flipped the mobile open, standing up as she did so. 'Hello?'

'May I please speak to Juliet Butler?' It was the receptionist.

'Speaking.'

'Hi, it's Charisma from Cupid's office.'

'Has there been a cancellation?' Juliet asked, feeling as though it was too good to be true.

'Yeah, he can get there in fifteen seconds. Is that okay?'

'Yes!'

'He'll be right there. Have a nice evening!'

Sure enough, soon after Juliet hung up, there was a puff of pink smoke and a man stepped forward. He had bleached blonde hair, tanned skin and a piercing through his left eyebrow. He was dressed in a pink suit with a big white rose in his lapel, and had the most dazzlingly white smile Juliet had ever seen.

'Jacques, it's been a while!' Cupid stepped forward to grasp the genie's hand. 'How's your sister?'

'She's fine, thanks,' Jacques said. 'Was my mum working this week?'

'Alison? No, she's on long service leave.'

'Good to hear.'

'Now, how can I help you, darling?' Cupid grinned widely at Juliet.

'My employer and his fiancée were broken up recently,' Juliet said.

'Right, by a really stupid wish that she accidentally made,' Jacques cut in.

'And I was wondering if you could make them fall in love again,' Juliet said, slightly louder, a blush filtering across her cheeks.

'Easy,' said Cupid. 'The initial love is still there, it's just buried under the hate that you ended up putting there.'

Juliet shifted uncomfortably. 'I didn't mean to.'

'Darling, none of us mean to. That doesn't mean it won't happen,' Cupid pulled out a notebook, made a few notes, and then slid it back into his pocket.

'How do you get people to fall in love, exactly?' Juliet asked, knowing without a doubt that she wasn't the first person to voice the enquiry.

Cupid tapped his nose. 'That's classified information. Enjoy the wedding!'

He vanished in a puff of pink smoke.

Juliet blinked. 'Is he gay?'

'Yes,' Jacques replied promptly.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

'I thought you knew.'

'How would I know?'

'A straight guy who makes people fall in love out of the kindness of his heart? Please.'

It was a disconcerting thought, but Juliet decided not to voice the opinion.

A moment passed, maybe two. Then a door crashed open from upstairs.

'Holly!'

The same sound followed a moment afterwards, from down the hall.

'Artemis!'

Juliet and Jacques opened her bedroom door, just in time to see Holly fly past. She raced down the hallway to Artemis, who was waiting at the foot of the stairs, and flung herself into his arms.

'Artemis! I'm so sorry!'

'I know, Holly, I know, I'm sorry too.'

They didn't know what they were apologising for, but Holly didn't seem to care, as she wrapped her arms around Artemis' neck and kissed him.

Jacques rolled his eyes. 'Jeez. Just a little sappy.'

'I think it's sweet,' Juliet replied, grinning wider than she ever had in her life.

'Ugh.'

Juliet moved away from the doorway, sighing in relief. 'Well, now they're in love again. Just in time, too.'

Jacques sat down on her bed. 'You realise it's only ten-thirty?'

'Yeah. And?'

'And they just got back together. You know what they'll be doing all night?'

Juliet laughed. 'Nah, they wouldn't.'

At eleven-fifteen, after Juliet had decided to go to bed, she was lying there with her pillow over her head. Artemis' room was directly above hers, and the unmistakeable sound of a headboard hitting the wall, accompanied with some other interesting noises, was easily heard through the floor.

It was incredibly embarrassing, and she highly suspected that she wouldn't be sleeping until they stopped. But judging by the noises she was hearing, it seemed that they wouldn't be stopping anytime soon.

Jacques had slipped into bed with her without her noticing. 'It's okay,' he told her. 'They'll stop soon.'

'Yeah, right,' Juliet said. 'Remember what I told you about both Artemis and Holly being really stubborn?'

'Vaguely.'

'They're constantly trying to outlast one-another. Some nights I end up lying awake for hours with those two upstairs.'

Through the floorboards, they heard Holly scream. Juliet clapped a hand over her mouth, to either stop herself from laughing or throwing up. She wasn't sure which.

Jacques laughed, and rolled over so that he was directly on top of her. 'I've got a good idea. It'll take your mind off the noises upstairs.'

Juliet trailed her fingers down his arm, 'Will this end up like the time you tried to get me to stop thinking about my weight?

He swooped in to give her a quick kiss. His lips moved down her neck and Juliet suddenly didn't think it was such a bad idea.

'What do you think?' Jacques whispered into her ear.

'I think,' Juliet said, 'That you should be getting something out of my bedside table.'

He smiled down at her. 'You're prepared.'

'Safety first, remember?'

'Of course,' he said, kissing her again.

As Jacques fumbled through her unsurprisingly messy bedside drawer, Juliet couldn't help thinking that nobody in Fowl Manor would be getting much sleep tonight.

* * *

**A/N:** Naughty, naughty Juliet :D But you all love it.

Now, if I get some kind of inspiration, I _might_ write an uncut ending for this chapter. But it depends. I'll post it as a oneshot if I do.

Only one more chapter to go, then the epilogue.

Also, how many people would be interested in seeing a sequel for this? I've got a few ideas and I've started writing already, but I'm a little stuck, and some motivation would be awesome :D

Reviewwwwww!


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **Artemis Fowl II, Holly Short, Juliet Butler, Domovoi Butler, Angeline Fowl and Artemis Fowl I are not mine. Jacques and anybody affiliated with his genie company probably belong to me, but I'm not exactly sure so don't quote me on that.

**A/N: **This chapter has been done for ages, but I forgot to post it. Oops.

I was going to post it Monday night, but Breaking Dawn came out and I was so wrapped up in reading it that I forgot.

And I hated Breaking Dawn, by the way. You may despise me for saying so, but meh. It was awful.

But this isn't about Breaking Dawn. It's about what Jacques and Juliet got up to last night.

* * *

**I Dream of Jacques: Chapter 10**

When Juliet woke up the next morning, there was a warm arm draped over her back, and there was a naked somebody lying next to her. She turned over and snuggled into Jacques' chest, as the memories of the night before came flooding back to her.

'Juliet?' Jacques said huskily.

'Mmm?' Juliet replied.

'I don't mean to alarm you,' the genie said, pressing a kiss into her bare shoulder. 'But the wedding guests will be arriving in an hour and a half.'

Juliet's eyes flew open and she jumped out of bed.

'Holy crap!'

'I thought as much,' Jacques said with a small smile.

Juliet swore. 'Can you do me a massive favour?'

'What kind of massive favour?' Jacques asked, as the poor girl rushed around the room, gathering magazine clippings and clothing.

'I need you to grant me a massive wish,' she told him, dumping the papers on her bed, in his lap.

'Go ahead.'

'I wish that everything was ready.'

'You'll have to be more specific than that.'

Juliet pointed to a black dress in a magazine. 'I need _this_ dress in size eight and _this _veil to appear on Holly's bed in five minutes. I need a chocolate wedding cake for two hundred. I also need you to take _these_ shoes,' - she pulled them out of her cupboard and handed them to him - 'down the hall and put them on Holly's bed, along with the dress.'

'Is that all?' the genie asked, smiling.

'No, the caterers will be arriving in ten minutes, and at that time, I need twenty-one tables and one hundred and eighty-six chairs to appear just outside the back of the manor. I need you to take these seating arrangements down to them, and the whole house needs to be clean.'

Jacques gave her a blank look.

'Please!' Juliet cried, throwing her arms around him. 'I need you to do this for me!'

'We're usually not allowed to grant wishes like that, but for you I'll make an exception.'

'Thank you!' Juliet gave him a quick kiss and ran to her chest of drawers, pulling out her underwear. 'As soon as you've done all that, I need you to go upstairs to Artemis' room, and tell Holly to get her ass in the shower!'

'I'll do that.'

Juliet ran into her bathroom and got into a cold shower. She did her hair and scrubbed her face and shaved her legs. Then she got out, dried herself, pulled on a purple bra and matching panties, wrapped a towel around her torso, and sprinted out of her room and down the hallway.

She met Holly halfway, naked except for a towel, her hair dripping wet and holding the aroma of recently shampooed.

'Juliet!' Holly cried. 'My dress!'

'It's all been taken care of!' Juliet told her. 'Quick, to your room!'

The two girls dashed upstairs to Holly's room. The elf looked frantic.

'What underwear?!' she cried. 'Which ones?!'

'Black, black! Anything black! Black and lacy!'

Holly brandished a lacy black bra and matching panties at her.

'Perfect,' Juliet said.

'Okay, what do I have?' Holly said, jiggling uncertainly on the spot. 'I have something old,' she touched the fairy book that she was wearing on a chain around her neck, 'Something new, my dress. Something borrowed?'

Juliet fumbled with a pair of black shoes. 'These!'

'Okay, okay! Something blue? I don't have anything blue!'

The two women ran frantically around the room, waving their arms and swearing. Then Juliet got an idea and rushed off to her bedroom, returning with a bottle of nail polish.

'It's red, but it's all I have. A twist on an old tradition, right?'

'Right!' Holly had just done up the clasp on the back of her bra. 'It's perfect! But won't this be considered as something else borrowed?'

'It isn't mine, congratulations on your marriage,' said Juliet, clearly frantic. 'Happy Birthday, Happy Christmas, Happy Halloween, Happy Chanukkah, whatever it is, this nail polish is yours now.'

'Okay, great!' Holly took the nail polish and sat down heavily in front of her dressing table, unscrewed the lid and started on her nails.

'Okay, let me get my stuff,' Juliet sprinted out of the room again, and bumped into Jacques, who was holding a hairdryer and straightener, and a truckload of makeup and hair products.

'Need any of this?' he asked.

Juliet grabbed everything off him. 'I love you.'

'I know. How's the bride?'

'Hysterical. How's the groom?'

'Hysterical but hiding it well.'

'Good,' Juliet ran back to the room, where Holly was sitting, doing her nails.

Juliet plugged in the hairdryer and got to work. Then she got out the hair straightener. Then she used some hair gel. Then she used some hair spray. Then she used another four products. She pinned it and teased it, and what resulted was the most amazing hairstyle Holly had ever seen.

Juliet had a look at her handiwork as she helped attach Holly's veil, being careful not to spoil it. 'It's perfect.'

'You're amazing,' Holly said.

'I know. Now, get some earrings to match your necklace and I'll do your makeup.'

Holly dumped all her earrings onto the tabletop and went through them all, being careful not to ruin her nails.

Juliet did Holly's makeup carefully, then touched up her nails and helped the panicky elf into her dress.

'It looks amazing on you,' Juliet said, pulling up the zipper. 'Get your shoes on, I need to go get ready.'

Juliet pounded back into her bedroom with all her things, slammed the door and got to work on her hair and face. Within fifteen minutes, her hair had been curled and permed and her face bore no evidence of being up half the night. Juliet pulled on her eggplant dress and groped for the zipper, but a warm hand got there before her.

'You look beautiful,' said Jacques, pulling up the zipper. He was already fully dressed in his purple suit. 'I'm going to have fun with this dress.'

'That sounds very nice, but I have to get downstairs,' Juliet said, slipping into some purple heels. 'We can discuss the plans for this dress later.'

'Can't wait,' said the genie, as Juliet rushed out the door and down the hallway again.

She found Holly standing in the corridor looking panicky.

'What's wrong?' Juliet asked.

'What do I do? I have no idea what I'm doing!'

'You wait until it's your time to appear, you walk down the aisle to Artemis, then you say "I do" to everything the priest asks you. This isn't my first wedding. I'll be holding your veil, I'll be right there with you.'

Holly pulled Juliet into a hug. 'Thank you! You know you're my best friend, right?'

'Don't get overemotional, Holly, your makeup will smudge. Don't let Artemis see you!' Juliet gave her hand a squeeze and hurried downstairs.

The guests had started arriving. Angeline and Artemis senior were standing in the entrance hall greeting everyone.

'Juliet!' Angeline said, hurrying up to her. 'Is the bride all right?'

'She's fine. And may I say that you look lovely, Mrs Fowl.'

'Oh, you're too kind, Juliet. You look wonderful too. No doubt that you'll be married next!'

Juliet's thoughts shot straight to Jacques, but she pushed the thought away. 'We'll see. Where's Artemis?'

'Arty's waiting with Butler. Do go and reassure him that everything will be all right, will you?'

'Yes, yes, of course.'

Juliet sprinted outside to find Artemis looking paler than usual, with Butler standing next to him with a comforting hand on his shoulder.

'Artemis!'

His head snapped up. 'Yes?'

'Are you all right?'

'Is Holly all right?'

'She's terrified.'

'Then so am I.'

Butler smiled. 'You'll be fine.'

Juliet addressed her brother. 'Do you have the rings?'

Butler tapped his pocket.

'Good. I'll go and find Jacques.'

As if summoned, the genie appeared just behind her. 'I'm here.'

'Where's the cake?'

'On the buffet table.'

Juliet didn't reply, but simply seized his hand and hurried over to the buffet table. It was nicely decorated with a black tablecloth and a scattering of red rose petals. In the middle of the table stood the biggest chocolate cake Juliet had ever seen.

'What do you think?' Jacques asked.

'It's fantastic!'

The genie smiled. 'Not bad, I suppose.'

'You've done magnificently,' Juliet told him.

'Do I get a reward?'

'Maybe later.'

Juliet was suddenly aware of Angeline Fowl running towards her, calling her name.

'What is it?' Juliet asked, worried that she had forgotten something.

'Holly needs her bouquet; she won't stop worrying about it.'

Juliet swore internally. 'I'll bring it up in a moment.'

Angeline disappeared into the crowd as Juliet turned to Jacques with a pleading look in her eyes.

'No,' he said blankly.

'Please!'

'No, it's against regulations.'

'Isn't it against regulations to sleep with your mistress?'

Jacques shifted uncomfortably. 'Maybe.'

'Please!' Juliet begged.

Jacques sighed and handed her a bouquet of red roses which he had conjured from nowhere. 'Fine.'

'I love you,' Juliet said, grabbing the roses and heading back inside.

Holly was sitting by the door, practically radiating panic.

'It's fine, it's fine!' Juliet handed the roses to her. 'Everything's under control!'

'Really?'

'No, actually. I'm close to wetting my pants and I'm probably going to end up fainting or something and the state that the house is going to be in tomorrow is enough to give me a hernia.'

'If I aim the bouquet in your direction, will that make up for everything?'

Juliet smiled properly for the first time that day. 'Definitely.'

* * *

She must have greeted hundreds of guests, dished out dozens of compliments, and been asked about her hair at least forty times before Juliet found herself standing next to Holly, clutching her bouquet. The priest was saying something, but she was finding it hard to concentrate.

Juliet zoned out until the priest spoke to Butler. 'Do you have the rings?'

Butler pulled them out of his breast pocket, swelling with pride. Juliet smiled widely at Holly as the elf threw her a terrified glance.

Artemis coughed. 'Sorry, sir, but Holly and I have decided to give the rest of the ceremony a little twist.'

The priest looked aghast. 'What?'

Artemis handed him a sheet of paper and Holly giggled.

The priest unfolded the paper and quickly scanned it. He looked slightly confused but read it out loud anyway. 'Artemis Fowl the second, do you take this woman, Holly Short, as your lawful wedded wife, in sickness and in blue sparks, with acorns and without, until death do you part?'

Holly giggled again and Artemis' mouth twitched. 'I do,' he said.

'Holly Short, do you take this man, Artemis Fowl the second, as your lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in blue sparks, with acorns and without, until death do you part?'

Holly's mouth stretched into a full smile. 'I do.'

Juliet almost laughed herself. Only a select few members of the audience would understand the joke. And those who didn't obviously thought they had lost it. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jacques giving her a small smile, and her heart leapt.

'I now announce you -' the priest stared at the paper '- _mud_ man and wife. You may kiss the bride.'

Holly was giggling madly as Artemis placed one finger under her chin, lifted her face and kissed her.

They stayed there, joined at the lips for what seemed to be the longest time. Then everybody started clapping and cheering, and Juliet felt tears stinging on her eyes and a warm hand at the small of her back.

'Why are you crying?' Jacques murmured into her ear. 'This is supposed to be a happy occasion.'

Juliet sniffed. 'It's just -'

Artemis put his arms around Holly and kissed her again.

Juliet burst into tears. 'It's so sweet!'

Jacques laughed and pressed a kiss into her neck. 'Don't cry, your makeup will run.'

Juliet carefully wiped beneath her eye. 'Okay, I'll stop.'

'I believe you need to congratulate the bride and groom. I'll be right here if you start feeling faint again.'

Juliet was about to reply, but Holly threw her arms around her.

'Juliet!' the elf cried. 'Thank you, thank you!'

The younger Butler had no idea what Holly was thanking her for, but she hugged her back and the two women laughed and cried together, enjoying the moment. A group of people crowded around them and started offering congratulations and asking about children.

'No more than two!' Artemis was telling an elderly woman that he was somehow related to. 'A boy and girl. Artemis Fowl the third and fourth.'

'In your dreams,' Juliet said, grabbing Artemis' arm and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. 'Holly'd divorce you. Congratulations, by the way. You were great.'

Artemis took her hands and smiled a smile that wasn't quite so vampiric anymore. 'I have got to thank you, Juliet. You got everything ready for us.'

'It was mostly Jacques. He brought all my makeup in.'

Artemis' smile widened. 'I'll have to thank him, then.'

'I'll tell him for you. You need to deal with all these relatives.'

Juliet hurried out of the impending crowd and hurried up to Jacques.

'Artemis says thanks for bringing me my makeup.'

'Anything else?' he smiled.

'Nope.'

'So all the house cleaning and decorations wasn't thanks to me?'

'I'll give you a special thankyou when the celebratory dinner's over.'

The dimples reappeared as Jacques grinned even wider. 'I'll be looking forward to it.'

A tinny ringing was barely heard over the din of the crowd. Jacques glanced at the caller I.D before looking up again.

'Who is it?' Juliet asked, fearing the worst.

'My insurance company.'

Juliet bit her lip and was about to ask him not to answer, when Holly rushed over and snagged her arm. 'I'm going to need that bouquet now.'

'Isn't that meant to be at the end?'

'A twist on an old tradition, remember?' Holly explained, dragging her away from Jacques.

'Good luck!' the genie called after her, before flipping his phone open and walking into the house for some silence.

Juliet joined the group of giggling women, and Holly stood in front of them, radiating happiness.

'Ready?' the newlywed asked.

'Hurry up!' said half the women in the group.

Holly quickly checked where Juliet was, then turned around and lobbed the bouquet over her shoulder.

There was a scrabble and several shrieks as everyone rushed to grab the roses. Fortunately, Juliet had planned ahead and had taken a running leap into the air above them, and her hand closed around the flowers first.

'Yes!' Juliet cried, lifting the bouquet above her head like a trophy.

Some women applauded, others burst into tears, but Juliet only wished that Jacques had seen her.

Holly threw her arms around her. 'I want to dance with you first.'

'It's tradition that the newlyweds have the first dance,' Juliet told her.

Holly gave her a blank look.

'Right,' Juliet said in realisation. 'A twist on an old tradition.'

Juliet placed the bouquet down on the buffet table and joined Holly in the middle of the dancefloor. The two women held hands and bounced around for a while, laughing and enjoying themselves. As the song finished, everybody applauded and Holly hugged her again.

'This is the best day of my life,' Holly said, hugging her tightly. 'Thank you so, so much.'

Juliet felt herself being tapped on the shoulder. It was Artemis.

'Sorry to bother you, but I'd like to have an opportunity to dance with my wife.'

The way he said _wife_ was enough to put a smile on Juliet's face. She released Holly and shoved her into Artemis' chest. 'Take her, have fun.'

'Besides,' Artemis turned her around. 'I think someone needs to talk to you.'

Juliet saw that Jacques was heading towards her, putting his mobile phone back in his pocket. He beckoned her with a finger and started walking away.

She followed him off the dancefloor, to all the way around the manor. They ended up standing near the front entrance. Juliet felt that this meant good news for Jacques, but bad news for her. 'What's up?'

'That was my insurance company. I'm set to go.'

'Oh,' Juliet looked down at her purple shoes. 'How soon will you be going?'

Jacques checked his watch. 'If all goes to plan, in about seventy seconds.'

'Oh,' Juliet said again.

She noticed that Jacques was handing something to her. At closer inspection, she realised it was the kettle she had given him.

'You probably want this back,' he said.

'You keep it. Parting gift,' she pushed it back into his hands. 'Besides, with all these wedding presents, there has to be another kettle in here somewhere, right?'

His eyes softened. 'Right.'

Juliet stared at her feet some more. Jacques put down the kettle and lifted her chin up.

'Don't I get a proper goodbye?' he asked.

Juliet put her arms around his neck and kissed him. The kiss lasted a long time, and the genie put his arms around her waist, hugging her into him tightly. They broke apart, still holding each other. Juliet felt tears stinging her eyes as Jacques pressed a kiss into her forehead.

'I probably shouldn't have used up that last wish,' Juliet said into his ear.

'Why? That last wish was very unselfish of you, if we look over the fact that it meant a lot of work for me.'

'Because if I had a wish right now, I'd wish that you would come back.'

Jacques laughed and kissed her again. Then he let go of her and picked up his kettle. 'Juliet, you don't have to wish. I promise that I'll come back. I can't promise when, but I promise that I will. Okay?'

Juliet looked at her shoes again. 'Okay.'

He lifted her chin again. 'Cheer up, Juliet. Go have another dance. Have some cake. Enjoy the wedding. I'll be back before you can miss me.'

Juliet wished that she could believe that, and found that she did. 'Okay.'

He smiled, and the dimples appeared again. 'I'll see you soon.'

She watched him walk down the driveway. He turned and waved at her. Then he snapped his fingers and vanished in a puff of purple smoke.

She stood, staring at the spot where he had been for a long time. After a while, Juliet was dimly aware of someone standing next to her.

'Why did he leave?' Holly asked softly.

'He moves around a lot for work,' Juliet said. It was the truth. 'He has another job somewhere.'

'Will you see him again?'

Juliet turned to look at her friend. She gave her a small smile.

'Yes,' said Juliet Butler. 'He promised.'

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**A/N: **Just the epilogue to go now. Don't worry, it's a happy ending!

Review!


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill. Not mine.

**A/N: **-wipes tear from eye- I wrote an entire story, and now it's over. I felt that the previous chapter summed things up nicely, but I have my reasons, and I've written this little epilogue that should clear a few things up and wrap everything up in a neat little package.

But some people might interpret it as a doorway into a sequel. Those people might be right.

Read!

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**I Dream Of Jacques: Epilogue**

Two whole months had come and gone since Artemis and Holly's wedding. The newlyweds had gone on their honeymoon and returned being very romantic and smoochy. Juliet had actually walked in on them feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries. Artemis Fowl was many things, but romantic was not one of them. His change in personality severely irked her.

She was more hurt than irked, though. Seeing Artemis and Holly being all cuddly and exchanging those looks that simply radiated "I love you" was getting her in a bitter mood. Jacques hadn't contacted her for two months, and Juliet had surpassed irritation, anger, then heartbreak, and was now going through acceptance.

But being around the recently married couple was somewhat depressing, because it brought back all the memories of Jacques and their relationship, however short it was. Didn't she mean anything to him?

Juliet had to keep reminding herself _It's just a guy, you'll get over it_, but as much as she said it, she couldn't believe it. She had thought that she and the genie had had something special. Even though they had only known each other for two weeks, Juliet had felt a genuine connection to him. She found herself pining for him, no matter how many times she told herself to get over it.

In the days following the wedding, Juliet had eagerly awaited his return. He had promised, of course. To be completely honest, it had been the only thing keeping her going after starting to clean up the house after the wedding. After seeing the state of the "back yard" and being told to clean it up, Juliet had almost burst into tears. The only thing holding them back was the knowledge that Jacques would come back soon.

But he didn't. Every morning, Juliet expected to wake up with that same warm arm slung over her back, and a pair of soft lips to whisper in her ear, 'Morning, mistress.' And the day would be filled with his ridiculous ideas, and the time would pass by quickly thanks to his playful bantering. And when she wouldn't be expecting it, he'd swoop in to kiss her and make all of her worries simply melt away.

But it didn't happen.

* * *

Artemis senior and Angeline Fowl were spending the weekend in France (again), and Holly and Artemis had left for a romantic picnic at noon. It was nearly eight, and Juliet was trying not to imagine what they were doing.

Done with cleaning for the day, Juliet had made herself a hot chocolate and was seated in front of the television, trying to forget about Jacques, and failing miserably.

'Ugh,' said Juliet, draining the last of the hot chocolate.

She dumped her mug in the sink, telling herself she'd clean it later, and strolled upstairs to take a bath.

She ran the water and undressed, dropping her shirt and shorts on the ground. Juliet tied up her hair and waited for the bath to fill, shivering slightly, only wearing her bra and underwear.

Once the tub was full with warm, soapy water, Juliet shut the water off and stepped back to remove her remaining clothes. It was only when she was reaching back to unclasp her bra, Juliet noticed a silver kettle sitting on the edge of the sink.

Someone put a hand on her shoulder and she screamed and spun around.

It was Jacques, his mouth stretched in a wide smile, displaying the dimples in his cheeks. His eyes were twinkling as he kissed her gently. 'Miss me?'

'Yes!' Juliet said furiously. 'I thought you weren't coming back!'

'I promised, didn't I?'

'I've learnt that promises made by males generally don't count.'

'I'm a magical creature. That should count for something.'

'My foot it does. Legally you don't exist.'

'Something that doesn't exist can't make promises,' he said, still smiling. 'Besides, I thought you'd be happy to see me.'

Juliet tried to keep up her glare, but it wasn't easy, considering she was only in her bra and panties, and she had been missing him like mad.

He saw her eyes soften. 'Am I forgiven?' Jacques teased.

'For now,' Juliet said. 'Why didn't you contact me?'

'There was a lot of paperwork to go through.'

'And it took you two whole months to do it?

'Well, yeah.'

Juliet glanced at the kettle balanced on the sink. 'And you kept the kettle anyway. Or are you returning it to me to tell me that it's over?'

'What's over?' Jacques asked.

'This. Us. Our relationship.'

'Oh, no. I _have_ come to return the kettle, but I'm not dumping you.' He scratched his chin, 'Actually, I'm about to do something that will make things much easier for both of us.'

Juliet raised an eyebrow at him. 'Oh? What then?'

When Jacques fished a little black box out of his pocket and got down on one knee, it had to be the very last thing that Juliet had expected.

'Omigod,' said Juliet Butler, clapping a hand over her mouth.

'Sorry it took so long. But since you're human I had to go through a lot of negotiations. Not to mention I had to convince my parents that there's nothing wrong with marrying a human and that I wasn't rushing into things.'

Juliet was finding it hard not to hyperventilate, but she managed to speak. 'Not rushing into things? We've known each other for two weeks, Jacques.'

'That's all it takes,' Jacques said, smiling. 'So? Wanna get hitched?'

Juliet stared down at the small gold ring nestled inside the box. There was a tiny purple stone set in the ring, and when Juliet looked up again, she saw that the purple was exactly the same as the genie's eyes.

'Yes,' she breathed.

Jacques stood up and kissed her. 'I knew you'd say yes.'

'Am I really that predictable?'

'No, but you can't resist me.'

'I can _so_ resist you.'

'What if I asked you if you want to go to bed right now?' he asked, and he leaned down to kiss her neck, making the decision slightly harder.

'Hrmm,' Juliet said, tapping her foot. 'I'd have to say no. I'm all out of _things_.'

'And?' Jacques asked, pulling away.

'What if I get pregnant?'

'So what? I like kids.'

Juliet smirked. 'Well done or medium rare?'

The genie laughed and swept her into his arms. 'You know me too well.'

He removed the ring from its box and slipped it onto Juliet's finger. They stood back and admired it.

Juliet smiled. 'I love it.'

Jacques grinned back. 'I told you that you looked good in purple.'

**The End**

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**A/N:** Say it with me. AWWWWWWWW!

Now the story is over! Rejoice! –dances-

I'm working on the sequel incredibly slowly. Don't expect anything for a while.

I'd like to thank all my supporters during the time I've been writing/posting this story. Without you guys encouraging me, I don't think I could have been bothered to finish it. But now that I know that people enjoy my writing, I think Ill be writing a whole lot more.

Love always,

Sovrani


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